B!tch on the Street

The Tree is Here Already?!?!

2007-11-09T16:33:00.000-05:00

Dayum....I had to put another post up after the last one but WTF...it's NOVEMBER 9th!

Christmas comes earlier every year. Is that from Charlie Brown? Probably.

September 11

2007-09-11T15:05:00.000-04:00

No, we're not back. Nobody is going to read this, but I don't care. Today is the 6th anniversary of "9/11". It's been a strange one. I feel conflicted about this year for some reason. Lots of people just want to move on, don't want to see ceremonies, nobody dares wear an American flag anymore. Part of me agrees, but I think that's because forgetting is the easy way out. Pretend it didn't happen, and it's OK. But it's not OK. Thousands of people are gone. What else can we give them if not a day to remember them.

Jesus, No Smoking, B!tch, I Heart NY...

2007-05-29T10:23:00.001-04:00

I googled "B!tch On The Street" for an image and this one came up. I felt it was totally in line with what BOTS is all about.

We're hesitant to say that BOTS is gone for good, but we can't keep up like we used to. Thanks to all for the laughs. The world is a fvcked up place, but if we can laugh at it once in a while and b!tch slap those who bother us, I think we'll be OK.

Remember, you too can make the world a better place...through b!tchslapping!

Engagement is Weird...

2007-02-20T14:31:00.000-05:00

Calling someone your "fiance" is really strange. I don't want to turn BOTS into a venue for my complaints about engagement woes, but it may very well happen. People are sooooo weird.

Here's a scene from work when I first came in with the ring (remember, I'm at a new job now so I don't know these people very well).

Boss Man: Is that a new bauble? (he really said bauble too)
Kat: Yes.
Boss Man: Am I to understand that it's an engagement ring?
Kat: Yes.
Annoying Female Snoopy Co-Worker: OH MY GAWD! You got engaged and you didn't tell anyone???
Kat: Um, well, I didn't want to run in and scream, "I'm engaged everyone!"
Boss Man: Hmmmm....so, you'll need vacation time for a honeymoon. And then come the babies....
Then he walked away muttering.

I think I'm in for quite a ride kids! And we haven't even picked a date yet!

Pole Hogs!

2007-02-06T09:32:00.000-05:00

Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long, but we're busy chickies!

I took this picture this morning of a Pole Hog. A Pole Hog is a person who leans their whole body against a pole in the subway so that no one else can hold on to it. That sh!t don't fly during rush hour. I normally just wriggle my hand around the pole anyway, digging into the hog's back along the way. They get the hint eventually. Sometimes, however, I don't feel good about touching any part of the hog (you never know where people have been) so I stand there balancing and cursing them.

Today, I saw this hog and went to hold the pole. He was leaning so hard on it, that I couldn't even wriggle on. I said, "Excuse me!" He ignored me (typical). I mumbled something about all the a$$holes that ride the subways. Then, I took his picture as an example for the rest. Don't be a Pole Hog people! Or BOTS will call your s$$ out!

Kat did it..

2007-01-23T18:02:00.002-05:00

That beyatch went and got engaged on me! *sigh* Another one bites the dust. I also started a new job and life outside of the blogging world all the sudden got very complicated. They're both great things - not so great for blogging though. We'll try to post as much as we can and will hopefully get back in the groove soon!

I'm lazy

2006-12-13T19:48:00.000-05:00

I freely admit that but even I wouldn't go so far as to walk out of the house in rollers. Ok, let's be real I would never take the time to put rollers in my hair in the first place but that's besides the point. This woman got on my train the other day. Now if you're wondering if she was put together otherwise - well not even close. The b!tch was wearing black leggings and a black shirt (under her white coat) covered and I do mean completely covered in cat hair! I mean she seemed normal otherwise, just reading a paper with the rest of the rat race but seriously take care of your hair before you walk out the door! Unfortunately you can't see the one on top of her head too well but that was by far my favorite! I was starting to wonder if she was doing a story for some magazine like let's see how many people will tell her she left some rollers in but they usually use models for that sh!t and she definitely wasn't. Plus there were no photogrpahers lurking about. Ahhh only in NYC kids!

B!tches We Hate...

2006-12-11T16:30:00.000-05:00

People who make us say, "Happy Holidays!" instead of "Merry Christmas!", "Happy Hanukkah!" or "Happy Kwaanza!" or "Festivus for the Restofus!".

I was inspired by Utter Wonder today. All month people have been saying, "Enjoy your holiday!" or "Happy Holidays!" And if they dare slip and say "Christmas" everyone gasps! What if they don't celebrate Christmas? So what! Can't you be merry on Christmas day even if you don't celebrate J to the mutha fvckin' C?

Whip out the old, "Merry Christmas!" b!tches! You know you want to!!!!

Sometimes, we are too caught up in political correctness.

UPDATE: We are so cutting edge, we report the news first. Then these kids pick up on it.

B!tches We Hate...

2006-11-17T14:18:00.000-05:00

Orenthal James Simpson

This stupid fvcking animal is unbelievable.

We hate him.

Enough said.

UPDATE: It seems that the media does have a soul (sort of...I'm sure there's a loss of money involved here) after all.

Yet Another Sucky Job...

2006-11-10T11:42:00.000-05:00

I'd just like to point out that I've been in the middle of getting a new job myself (which partially explains the lack of posting on my part). And let me tell you, there's a whole new crew of victims here! However, on my way to this new job yesterday, I saw this poor soul. I almost felt dirty taking their picture, but not that dirty.

What a sh!tty job!!!

That said, I did get Ranch 1 for lunch, so I guess this Chicken is doing a good job!

Happy Friday ya'll!

Happy Fvcking Halloween B!tches!

2006-10-31T14:00:00.000-05:00

I know...it's been too long...

But, Happy Halloween anyway!

Once again it's gorgeous in NYC and the parade is calling my name!

Hope you get your tricks and treats!

Why I love New York

2006-10-11T12:05:00.000-04:00

It seriously doesn't get any better than this folks. Everyone has a gimmick right? I see this guy all the time on my frequent trips downtown. He sells bags - one of about 5 guys in a two block radius that is hawking bags on the street. So I guess in order to beat the competition he came up with the idea of giving a 'lil something for free with purchase. Almost like getting a Clinique or Lancome bonus free with purchase! Seriously the sign speaks for itself - I didn't even have to write anything! I will say that I love the specification of No Men!! LOL

Cell Phone Abusers

2006-10-06T10:40:00.000-04:00

Yeah I know that we’ve posted about this before but some people just don’t know the proper etiquette when it comes to using cell phones. No one wants to hear other people talking loudly on their cell phone during their commute home. Seriously, I don’t care what you’re having for dinner, who hasn’t paid what bill, who’s cheating on whom, whether or not your dog has been walked or if your kid came home on time last night! It constantly amazes me that people will give the intimate details of their lives in front of dozens of people. These people need to keep in mind that YOU ARE NOT AT HOME! People can HEAR you! To illustrate my point I’ve included two typical cell phone abusers. The first b!tch with the blacked out face was loudly talking about her plans for the evening how this one guy keeps canceling on her and she doesn’t know why. She then proceeds to tell the person that she’s talking to that she’s in her car on the way home – what? B!tch you are no where near your car! Maybe the that guy keeps canceling on you because you’re a fvcking liar! The next picture is of a woman who was in front of me while I was getting my morning coffee. I hear all about the DNA testing that is being done on her grandson to find out who the baby daddy is! Ummm seriously TMI!!

Another sucky job

2006-09-21T00:47:00.000-04:00

One day last week (yes last week - I can't post from work anymore! :( the bastards expect me to work or some shit) I was downtown for an early morning meeting - way the hell downtown by the Staten Island Ferry. Anyway this was the day that Dancing With the Stars premiered and what did they have to promote this? Magnets! Yes of course I have one - still haven't decided where it should go yet though. AND scantily clad women dancing with the Stars! Except these stars were just some poor schmucks forced to wear a metallic star costume (mainly around their face) and dance around like a$$holes for minimum wage! Then again they were outside on a beautiful day and I was inside stuck at yet another pointless, mundane meeting so I guess deciding who the real a$$hole is, is all a matter of perspective!

They Say Time Heals All Wounds...

2006-09-11T09:03:00.000-04:00

We're still waiting.

To all of our NYC friends: you'll never be forgotten.

Happy 1st Birthday BOTS...

2006-09-08T09:02:00.000-04:00

What a crazy year it's been! Pookie and I would like to thank all of you who keep us laughing about all the sh!t we experience. Take a look back at the archives. There are some classics in there!

Love you b!tches!

Pookie & Kat

And you think your job sucks..

2006-09-04T23:26:00.000-04:00

I am completely addicted to buying Mega Millions tickets! Especially once the jackpot gets over like 50 million - I can't help myself. It's a problem, I know, but hey it's only a dollar right? So anyway, on the drawings are on Tuesdays and Fridays, once the jackpot reaches a certain amount the kind lottery people send out a crew to sell pre-printed quick pick tickets on the street. They're always in front of my train station and of course you KNOW I stop to buy one. They have people working the table and people holding up signs beckoning you to the table and there's the MEGA BALL.
You see in the picture above her outfit. Oh that poor woman - I didn't have the heart to put her face on this post. It's bad enough that she's got to stand out there dressed like this. Here she is checking out one of the vendors that was next to the mega millions ticket table. I guess even the ball gets a break! So whenever you feel like complaining about how badly your job sucks just remember how much worse it could really be!

Oh No She Didn't...

2006-08-31T12:00:00.000-04:00

Pookie and I were at a fabulous pre-sale at a lovely handbag store in Midtown yesterday. We looked all over and found some nice bags, but one in particular caught my eye. I pulled Pookie past the throngs of desperate sale-seekers to show her. Pointing to the bag as we approached it, I said, "Look at it! Isn't that awesome!"

Right before our eyes, this whore grabbed the bag that I pointed at and said to her ugly, large-hatted friend, "This is nice!". Then she glanced at Pookie and me and smiled. Her friend said, "Oooooh. I saw that there's a matching smaller bag on the other side!"

"Oh no she didn't!", I exclaimed angrily. Pookie said, "Well, it's clear she has no taste of her own and had to take the one you like." Ho-bag ignored us and these two b!tches stood there admiring MY bag, so I naturally took their picture.

I said loudly, "That bag is too big anyway. Let's go look over there." Pook knew exactly what I had in mind and she went right over to the matching smaller bag. I picked it up and we made a show of saying how unique it was and all that jazz. Soon, the b!tch came over to where we were and said to her friend, "That IS the matching bag. Oh, I have to have it!" and then she looks at me all sweetly and inquiringly as I'm holding it. "Sorry," I quip in a sugary sweet tone. "This one's mine. I wanted the one you have, but you snatched it up right before my eyes." "OH! I didn't realize! *(yeah, right b!tch!)* Are you sure? I really would like the matching one," she blubbered. "I'd trade bags with you if you like," I offered. "Well that's stupid. I want both." she said very b!tchily. "Well then you're sh!t out of luck," Pookie said.

We left her and her friend gaping at us and wandered around. I didn't really want the bag, but I didn't want her to have it more. I didn't buy it (that sh!t was over $300! I'm not THAT crazy) because I really needed a larger bag. Instead, Pookie and I hid it in a very obscure section of the store where the doggie carriers are kept.

I hope that b!tch never finds it.

What the Fvck is This?

2006-08-23T14:01:00.000-04:00

Seriously. Tell me. What bridge is this?

I've been to this bridge. This is NOT London Bridge. It's in London, but it's the Tower Bridge.

Am I wrong? Or am I crazy (Gnarles style)?

Googling images of "London Bridge" doesn't help either. I think all those b!tches are wrong.

Tell me people of the world! What the fvck is this?

This post is because of Fergie and her London Bridge. For without that sh!tty song, I never would have questioned myself or spent the entire work morning debating this with my a$$hat coworkers.

Cut that shit bitch!

2006-08-21T23:20:00.000-04:00

OK I know I've been gone for wayyyy too long! It's not my fault (well only partially) my company in it's infinite wisdom decided to install firewalls about a month and half ago so now I can't access blogger from work - let's be real here ya'll know I was blogging way more than I was working! Don't I have a computer at home you ask? Well yes but it's been on the fritz (aka my dumb a$$ went to some site that gave me a virus) AND the A/C in my computer room broke! NYC had a really long stretch of some beyond hot weather! So anyway, no more excuses - I promise to post more reguarly! Now on to our reguarly scheduled programming....

The other day I was riding the train to work, normally I would have something to read or at the very least my iPOd but not that morning. So I was just kind of looking around and I happened to look down and see the feet of the woman standing next to me and OMG she had WHITE toenails that curved over her toes! I mean seriously this shit was nasTy! So as I'm gawking at the toe nails I happen to glance up and catch her fingernails - they were even worse! Damn I'm just about gagging typing this. That kind of stuff just skeeves me out! Now of course it's 7AM and I'm totally not on my A game and this woman
catches me staring at her nails and gives me a nasty look - can't say that I blame her as I probably had a look of complete disgust on my face. So now I start thinking that I must get pics to share with all of you. So I pulled out my phone all stealth like and snapped these two. They're not the best but you get the idea....

PS Damn blogger wouldn't let me move the pics where I wanted them to be!! Arrrggghhh

Woah...

2006-08-09T09:29:00.000-04:00

This morning I rode the train with a co-worker that I happen to like. We got seats together and chatted it up. A guy got on the train and sat down across from us. He was dressed in a weird outfit (acid washed jeans and a blue and orange lightening striped shirt), but, to each his own I say. I noticed that he had a work ID badge around his neck and it said that he is a New York State social worker, level 1 (I have no idea what that means).

My co-worker and I continue to talk and notice that this guy is kind of freaky. He's making sharp movements and has a paper with him that he keeps trying to keep open with his head! Again, whatever. You know how many freaks there are in this city?

Then, my co-worker whispers, "Um, look at his leg."

He had a HUGE wet spot on his leg and it seriously looked like he peed. Then we saw him take a napkin out of his pocket and start wiping the spot furiously.

"Gross," I said.

Then, as we neared our stop, the guy suddenly hits the newspaper and goes, "I got it mother fvckers! I got ONE!"

He proceeds to take a pen out of his breast pocket (on the lightening shirt) and fills in a crossword puzzle on the paper he was reading.

Then, he jumped up at the next stop (not ours yet) and ran off the train leaving his paper and the wet napkin.

My co-worker is the only one I work with that knows about BOTS (that I know of anyway). After he was gone and the doors closed, she leaned forward to look at the crossword, leaned back, and said, "Woah...get out your phone. This is for BOTS."

I did as she said, wondering what the hell he had written.

The picture is attached. Can you read it? Yeah, it says "sperm".

At least the clue was "microscopic swimmer" so I guess he was right.

And he's a social worker?

These Seats are Reserved...

2006-08-02T13:35:00.000-04:00

Have you ever seen the signs on the subway that say, "Priority Seating." No? They're probably hidden behind the fat, sweaty fvck sitting in those seats.

Today it's fvcking hot in NYC. FVCKING HOT! OK? People smell, everyone's extra cranky, and the sizzle is on. The incident I'm about to describe has happened so many times, I couldn't even guess a number. But it happened again today. And I know we're hurting for BOTS fodder, so here you go.

I'm on the train. It's crowded, but I manage to squeak a seat beside some fat ba$tards. On the train comes a VERY pregnant woman. There are no seats. I look around. No one cares. If they feel any guilt, they cover it up by quickly glancing away and burying their noses in their papers, books or whatever.

I wait.

'Fvck.' I think to myself. 'Why do I always have to give up MY seat?'

A few more stops pass. The train is super crowded now and prego is getting squished.

Still I wait. No one says anything. 'Fvck, fvck, fvck, fvck...' I keep repeating in my head as I feel my blood begin to boil. Listen (or read, rather), I'm a modern gal, but I feel that this is a perfect opportunity for SOMEONE, ANYONE to show that chivalry isn't dead and get the fvck up. I think that someone should be a man, but those are few and far between here. There were plenty of young, healthy looking men in seats. Why didn't they get up?

With a sigh (you know it was loud enough for ALL to hear) I get up slowly and say, "Excuse me, miss." to the prego. "Would you like to take this seat since not one "man" (and yeah, I made the quote signs a la Britney's interview with Lauer) here is kind enough to move?"

No one even looked, but prego said, "Thank you." and looked so grateful that I had to admit that I should have gotten up a few stops earlier than I did.

As Peter Griffin would say, this really grinds my gears. Equal rights and all, but come on. Gentlemen are still appreciated. I probably would have blown any guy that stood up before me out of sheer wonder! OK, no I wouldn't have, but I would have respected him! No one gives a fvck here. It's sad, but true. To each his own and fvck you seems to be our motto.

Lots of curses in this post! It's the heat.

No it isn't. I have a foul mouth so fvck you!

I had a picture to post, but Blogger is a piece of sh!t.

Is it Friday yet???

Thanks Lindsay Lohan...

2006-07-26T08:57:00.000-04:00

For making otherwise normal girls look like a$$holes.

When I first saw this girl (who, by the by, was otherwise attractive and was definitely in her early 20's), I was like, "Um....does she have those old lady knee high stockings on?"

But no. She had on nude (I shudder even writing that) leggings. NUDE! Grandma nude. 70's-style, supposed to look like a tan, but actually looks like sh!t NUDE!

So I took her picture and vowed to warn other impressionable people against the dangers of leggings. In addition to that, the dangers of nude stockings of any kind.

They are just wrong, people and we can thank La Lohan for this. Consider yourself
b!tchslapped, Linds!

Sorry it's been so long between posts, but we're working the best we can.

That's total bullsh!t. We're just lazy.

Fifth Avenue...

2006-07-12T14:24:00.000-04:00

This is a picture I just took on 5th Avenue in the 40's. You may or may not be able to tell that there are around 8 cop cars (starting with the one behind the bike guy...an undercover number) in this picture flying south down 5th Avenue. They were 8 of like, 30. I kid you not. Full sirens, lights going, and speeding away.

Now, I'm in this area a good bit and I happen to know that this is the norm during the day's shift switch. All the cops run down the street like holy hell has happened, but really, they just want to get the cars to the station (Midtown South I presume) and go home. It is quite a spectacle and causes most people (OK, most tourists) to turn and gasp saying, "Oh my God! What's going on?" If they looked closely, they'd see that the cops are all relaxed and most have big grins on their faces. They know they're they're making people nervous.

I thought I'd snap a picture since I haven't b!tchslapped anyone (except Superman--or Stupidman as I like to call him) in a while.

The dude in the left side of the picture watched me take this shot and immediatly took out his phone and started snapping away. I think he's wearing a rug. Dork.

Happy Humping Day!

Movie Review: Superman Returns (B!tch Should Have Stayed Away...)

2006-07-10T11:49:00.000-04:00

Here's a first for BOTS: a movie review. I was so astounded and horrified by the spectacle that is Superman Returns, that I had to write this.

This movie sucked. Big, hairy balls. The story DRAGGED on (this sh!t is almost 3 hours long!), I now hate the whiny and high-school-play-star actress that is Kate Bosworth (look for her in a future B!tches We Hate), and none of the characters were developed enough to wear a training bra!

What was good: Kevin Spacey (although his performance just reminded me of him playing Dr. Evil in the beginning of Goldmember) and Parker Posey because she's a genius and it's not her fault she had a crap part.

It could've been good! I swear! Admittedly, I'm not the superhero/sci-fi movie loving type, but I've enjoyed the original Superman (even though that is totally cheezy, it was entertaining) and all those new Batmans and Spidermans got my thumbs up. But this one....I nearly slit my wrists sitting in that theatre. I would have left, but I was sort of on a date, and didn't want my date to take it too personally.

The worst part is twofold:
1. I say to my date, "That was the worst movie ever. That was just like the Hulk movie." He says, "Are you kidding me? How about those special effects?" Is this guy for me????
2. I immediately text Pookie and say, "Superman blows." She writes back, "I didn't think it was that bad." Huh? So then I call her and say, "Superman was the worst ever." Pookie says, "I liked it!" HUH???????? We ALWAYS like the same movies! Say it ain't so, Pook!

If I had to see that fruitcake float around and look "intense" one more time, I would've puked. It reminded me of all the gratituitous Brad shots in Troy.

L to the A to the M with the E.

That's my review.

On a brighter note, Girls Just Want To Have Fun was on TV yesterday. Now THAT is cinematic perfection!

Finally, Someone Let Me Out of My Cage...

2006-07-06T10:22:00.000-04:00

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack...

Me and Lil' Kim are back out on the streets and boy does it feel good.

I was going to go gambling, but that's gone to hell, so here I am.

I'll be sure to post my latest adventures as they happen. Until then, happy belated 4th!

Gay or European?

2006-06-29T16:57:00.000-04:00

I usually don't comment on people's wardrobes because that's not what BOTS is about. Trust me there have plenty of "just because they make it in your size doesn't mean that you should wear it" photos that I could have taken but I chose not to. However the other day I saw this guy wearing capri jeans. To me capri pants should be strictly reserved for women. Then I thought am I out of touch? (I'm not that OLD!) Do men wear capris now? So I started asking around...friends, co-workers, family and the general consenus is that he's either gay or European. This guy really could have gone either way. You can't tell from the this picture because well walking and trying to get the shot and keep up with him at the same time is usually pretty hard but he was wearing a tight yellow sleeveless shirt. So what do you guys think - should men wear capri pants?

The Return of the Watermelon Lady

2006-06-28T14:40:00.000-04:00

Whoa the month of June has just been flying by! I can't believe it's almost July 4th Tuesday (doesn't have the same ring as 4th of July Weekend!)! Anyway, I stopped in Starbucks the other day because I needed some $5 iced refreshment. I went there in the afternoon instead of in the morning and guess who was occupying her usual table sans watermelon?!? LINDA!! She had tons of stuff with her so I'm guessing she's definitely homeless BUT she was charging a CELL PHONE!! Yes you read correctly she's got herself a cell phone. Something tells me that all is not as it appears with her but hey this is NYC anything goes...... EXCEPT this!! As I was sitting there cooling off Linda whips out a pair of tweezers and proceeds to not only pluck her mustache but her NOSE HAIRS! Her NOSE HAIRS people!! AND she's just letting them drop all over the place! OMG I almost lost my $5 iced coffee. It was so disgusting. So, since I had to be grossed out you KNOW I had to take pictures and share them with all of you! Kat and I will be back to full time posting in another week - we've missed the blogging world too much! (OK let's be real Kat has just missed the outside world in general!)

The Annoying Fan!

2006-06-19T16:34:00.000-04:00

This woman - the one in the pinkish shirt with the rat's nest for hair - was soooooo annoying at the Met's game this weekend that I HAD to take a break from my vacation and post about her sorry ass. Now let me just say that I am a NY fan - if I'm at a Mets game, I'm rooting for the Mets, at a Yankee game then I'm rooting for the Yankees (when they play each other well that's a whole different story for another blog). So anyway the Mets were playing Baltimore at this particular game and every time they got a hit or scored she was very loudly and obnoxiously cheering for the Orioles. She was the ONLY one in the section cheering for the other team. Now of course all of the Mets fans are getting pissed but hey everyone has a right to cheer for their own team right? Then she goes only to loudly proclaim that she's not an Orioles fan but a diehard Yankees fan. For those of you who don't live in the tri-state area, Mets and Yankees fans HATE each other! So of course now the Mets are losing and it's only making this loud mouth cheer louder. She was also drinking heavily which was causing her words to slur and her language to become more R rated than PG. Normally I wouldn't care about that but there were little kids EVERYWHERE! All these sweet little kids with their Mets shirts on, trying to watch the game and now they have to be bombarded with the rants of this foul mouthed bitch! Even her husband (the bald head in front of her) wouldn't sit next to her. At one point the Orioles got a homerun and she stood up with her hotdog that had sauerkraut on it and started screaming. So now she's spewing sauerkraut out of her mouth and it's dripping off her hotdog! And wouldn't you know it - something from that bitch's mouth hit my Kate Spade bag! Oh hell no! BOTS couldn't take it any longer! I was just about to get up and give her a piece of my mind when I got another idea...I told on her! Yes you heard me correctly I told on her. One of the attendants was walking by and I grabbed him and told him how obnoxious the woman was being. The people in the rows in front of me and in back of me heard what I was saying and turned around to back me up. This nice gentleman then went over and talked to her - what was said I couldn't tell you but I can tell you that she kept her fat mouth shut for the rest of the game! AND one of my fellow game goers sent me a beer (I was in the waitress service section) as a thank you! I was a tattler and damn it felt good!

Vacation...

2006-06-06T13:26:00.000-04:00

Pookie and I have a very busy month coming up so we've decided to take a little hiatus from BOTS.

Pookie's main squeeze (Bob) will be taking her jet setting around the world and Kat has some legal issues that need to be attended to (cough cough...30 day incarcaration...she's innocent, but did the MAN care? Noooooo...). Um, anyhoo..

These and other things will be keeping us busy for the month of June (and let's face it...the 4th of July is going to be off the hook as usual, so we probably won't recover until sometime later that month).

If we can, we'll post, but until then, our dear readers, enjoy your summers!

Don't worry, we won't forget you!

Remember to read our linked friends over to the right.

Keepin' it rizzle...

Love,
Pookie & Kat

For Everything Else...

2006-06-02T12:04:00.000-04:00

Ride on the subway: $2.00

Deodorant at Duane Reade: $3.99

Actually using that deodorant especially when it's my head that is stuck under your rotten a$$ armpit on the subway on a sweltering humid NYC day: Priceless

Happy Friday!!!!

Watermelon Watch 2006

2006-06-01T09:37:00.000-04:00

This is normally Pookie's gig, but I had a confirmed sighting kids!

Last NIGHT (I'm talking like 9:00pm) a friend and I were coming from dinner and were walking towards the nearest 6 train entrance.

I was yammering on and on and suddenly he said, "Oh. My. God." and stopped me with the old mom's-arm-across-the-chest-when-the-car-stops-quickly move.

"What?" I asked, kind of annoyed.

"Look!" he exclaimed.

And there she was. In a Starbucks. Nowhere near the Starbucks where Pookie has been seeing her. LWL. That's right, Linda, the Watermelon Lady.

"Get your phone!" my friend cried. "Hurry! She's finishing up!"

Sure enough she was. I got the phone and whipped it out as fast as I could. What you see here (admittedly, not my best camera phone work) is LWL putting her watermelon (it was about 1/4 a watermelon), with plastic utensils and all, into a bag. You can make out the red and green (and white) clearly.

She is most likely homeless, but definitely crazy. She had all sorts of bags full of sh!t beside her and her hair was all jammed up.

She is now a NYC phenomenon.

Thanks, Linda.

Fleet Week!

2006-05-30T15:17:00.000-04:00

Sorry it's been so long kids. Pookie and I have been busy picking up sailors during Fleet Week!

Somehow, more often than not, we end up hooking up with sailors (not THAT kind of hooking up....well, at least not every time) and showing them the town. Most of them are young guys (I'm talking 18 or 19 years old here!) and they are really cool and very gentlemanly!

One year, we even got a private tour of a huge ship (can I say the name of it Pook?) after a night of dancing with sailors at the South Street Seaport.

You can't tell, but the guys in this pic are totally hot.

We're sluts. So the fvck what?

Happy Belated Memorial Day!

Celebrity Death Match...

2006-05-24T13:55:00.000-04:00

BOTS vs. SUSAN SAINT JAMES

OK, I don't have a real picture to go with this because it all happened so fast, but this is the first time I've had to be a BOTS to a "celebrity".

I was waiting on line at the Barnes and Noble on 46th and 5th when this woman came down the line saying, "Excuse me" over and over again to each person. I must note that I felt that she was saying it rudely. She brushed past me (I was second in line) and cut off the line. There were no available registers and the register watcher who tells you where to go said, "Miss, the line starts back there." She said (very annoyedly), "I just paid and this is setting off the alarms." I KNEW I knew that voice and when I looked closely, I saw that it was Susan Saint James herself! I love her! Kate and Allie! MacMillan and Wife! "You'll have to wait just a moment," the register watcher said. I was so excited! I have no idea why. I wanted to say, "I loved Kate and Allie!" but knew that would be really weird, so I just kept my trap shut and watched her.

Then, the register watcher said to the man in front of me, "Next register down to your right." The guy took off and SSJ said, "EXCUSE ME, I need to leave and can't because the security alarm is going off!" The next register opened up and I started toward it (I admit, I was nervous!). SSJ turned to me and said, "I need to see this person before you." and cut me off! The register watcher was no help at all. I replied, "I understand that, but you don't have to be so rude about it, no matter who you are!" and I let her go ahead.

B!tch didn't even give me a second look. I ended up going to the register beside her and she was all huffy and tapping her foot impatiently. She finally got her sh!t taken care of and stomped off. What a b!tch!

I still love her though!

I'll do better with the quickness of the camera phone next time! For anyone who gives a sh!t, she was wearing high-waisted jeans, a tee shirt, no makeup, and a fake a$$ Prada bag with a little teddybear on a keychain attached to it. I was like, "Nice teddybear b!tch!" but then I remembered that her son, Teddy, was killed in a horrible plane accident and felt bad. Not bad enough to not post this, but bad.

Things You Don't See Every Day

2006-05-23T17:28:00.000-04:00

So Carmie and I were strolling the area taking in the beautiful sunshine today. Just as we were about to cross 5th Ave. we saw this bus making a turn - the two of us immediately whipped out our cell phones! (We've made her an honorary BOTS!) This bus is a moving advertisement for some detergent - can't remember which one - the entire bus is covered in t-shirts! It's great! The tagline says "How many shirts can one small bottle clean?" This is something that you definitely don't see every day!

Watermelon Watch 2006

2006-05-22T14:36:00.000-04:00

Watermelon Lady has a name! I know that I've been slacking on the watermelon lady posts - really it was for lack of pictures. I felt that the posts wouldn't be as good without a picture of her to go along with the story. So anyway, I've said before that I was apprehensive about approaching her and I found out that my fears weren't unwarranted. Instead of talking to the Watermelon Lady herself I quizzed the Starbucks staff in hopes of finding out more about her and let me tell you they were a wealth of information! First of all her name is LINDA! From here on out to be known as Linda the Watermelon Lady (LWL) - she HAS to keep her title. Is she mentally ill? Well that was a topic that was up for debate. Most of the employees seemed to think that she was just a little eccentric while others thought that she was most likely mentally ill and off her meds. In either case - I'm glad I didn't have to talk to her directly if she is off her meds that's not some one I want to deal with! LWL has been frequenting this particular Starbucks for at least the past two years. They said that some times she seems completely normal and other times she shows up with lots of shopping bags which leads them to believe that she may be homeless yet she is always relatively well dressed and clean. She always buys either coffee or a bottle of water. The Starbucks staff was also mystified as to how she gets a watermelon cut with platic utensils but then they told me that the watermelons have only been around for the past two weeks or so - she used to eat WHOLE CHICKENS!! That's right WHOLE CHICKENS not a cornish game hen or a little chicken breast a WHOLE CHICKEN like what you would pick up to feed your entire family.

I would love to find out more information on LWL - just how far is she lugging that watermelon?!? How many trips to the bathroom does she make day?? What will be the next food du jour?? I will continue to post on LWL as I find out more information.

A Glance at The Lives of Pookie & Kat...

2006-05-22T09:26:00.000-04:00

Normally, I'd say these things are lame, but this one happens to be spot on....it really describes our lifestyles quite accurately!

You Know You're From New York City When...

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. (actually, we have..on school class trips!)

You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park
at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. (I think we could find Wisconsin....maybe)

Hookers and the homeless are invisible. (totally)

The subway makes sense.

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. (doesn't it?)

You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".

The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard. (Yard? Hell, I'd call that an estate!)

You consider Westchester "upstate".

You think Central Park is "nature." (it's all we've got!)

You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."

You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.

You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent. (yeah, that one hurts)

You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.

You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed. (nothing good happens until after midnight anyway!)

Your closet is filled with black clothes.

You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s, and when you did, it terrified you. (Pookie and I went to college in a rural area and the quiet at night freaked us out. I need to hear the soft din of traffic to lull me to sleep.)

You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents. ($5? Try $8 for beer and $12 for cocktails)

You take fashion seriously.

Being truly alone makes you nervous.

You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.

Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."

You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.

You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

$50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.

You don't notice sirens anymore.

You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.

Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you. (trust no one...especially nice people)

You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills.

You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

Your door has more than three locks. (and a chain too!)

You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

You run when you see a flashing "Do Not Walk" sign at the intersection.

You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.

There is no North and South. It's uptown or downtown.

When you're away from home, you miss "real" pizza and "real" bagels. (Oh God, this one is so true!)

You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas. (Original Ray's is the only way to go.)

You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.

Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect. (No matter how late we've stayed up the night before, you can count on us stumbling down to the streets at 6:45am on Sunday to move the cars!)

You know what a bodega is. (don't other places have bodegas?)

You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats. (WE do. Too bad others can't do this,)

Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet..... (and if you're a BOTS, and they don't apologize, you yell after them, "Excuse YOU!")

You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas. (I do, but I can understand the mistake.)

Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you. (HATE the film crews...especially the craft services people!)

Happy Monday!

Turn Up your Damn Hearing Aid!

2006-05-19T12:13:00.000-04:00

God I am so going to hell! First I'm making fun of the mentally ill and now I'm starting in on the elderly. I'm ok with going to hell cause that's where are all the ultra-cool people like BOTS will be hanging out! So anyway, I was heading out to Strong Island (aka Long Island) to visit a friend the other day. Sitting behind me was the old woman pictured to the left. She kept getting calls on her cell phone. She's screaming into the phone so that the whole train car can hear!

"Hello? Hello? Helllooooo?? I can't hear you!"

The cell phone rings again:

"Hello? Hello? Helllooooo?? I can't hear you!"

This happened literally about 10 times. Now I had gotten a call during this time too and the reception was perfect. I could see that she had a hearing aid in- please lady turn that shit up! We don't all want to hear you! And of course after EVERY call that she couldn't hear - "These contraptions are terrible!" OMG if you would just learn how to use it AND turned up that hearing aid I'm sure it would work perfectly! It was so fvcking annoying. I really tried to tune that her out but with her screeching every two minutes it was next to impossible. Of course even I'm not such a bitch that I'm going to turn around and yell at her but I'm not above taking a picture and posting about it! :)

So yeah I'm going to hell.

Watermelon Watch 2006

2006-05-18T16:54:00.000-04:00

I know you're all just dying to know if the watermelon lady was there today....YES of course she was! However there is no picture because I.FORGOT.MY.PHONE!!! Ohhh the horror - I feel naked without my phone! Not only that but the watermelon lady had some nasty ass, scraggly fake fur coat thing drapped across her shoulders and it so would have made a GREAT picture! I'm starting to think that she has actual mental problems instead of just being on some weird diet but I'm sticking with the weird diet theory becuase I don't want to be the person who pokes fun at the mentally ill. So anyway, my apologies for the lack of a picture but the watermelon lady was there, eating an ENTIRE watermelon with plastic utensils!

Are You Lost?

2006-05-18T14:39:00.000-04:00

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ho ho ho ho ho....this one really cracked me up. The picture you see here is of an "art" installation (yeah, I put it in quotes....is it really art?) that is currently on display here in midtown Manhattan courtesy of the Clementine Gallery.

I don't even know what this thing was called, but it's set up in the middle of Rockefeller Center. I walked into the little covered area where the art show is and saw this...thing.

Some lady behind me was talking to her friend while looking at one of the other exhibits and said, "I don't know...I think I should see what's going on." She walked over to the "boy" and said, "Are you lost?" Then she said, "Little boy..." and touched it. She then realized that it wasn't real and was like, "Oh, I hope no one saw that!" "I did!", I gleefully said! Then we both agreed it was really creepy.

She didn't stick around long enough for me to get a picture, but let me tell you, I chuckled to myself the rest of the time I was looking at this stuff.

Art Rocks!

Watermelon Watch 2006

2006-05-17T13:57:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I told you about the Watermelon Lady and of course I had to check again this morning. As I approached the Starbucks that she has made her own, I decided to go in and get myself a Lite Mocha Frappuccino - damn those things are good! And sure enough the Watermelon Lady was there again! I had some time to ponder that Watermelon Lady as I waited on long-ass line - seriously you would have thought they were giving away the $5 cups of coffee! First, where the hell is she carting this watermelon from?!? Those things are damn heavy! Second, is it maybe the same watermelon day after day that she's slowly eating - I tend to think that it's actually a different one every day. The third thing is that no one else seems to really pay attention to this lady. Anyway, today I noticed that the Watermelon Lady had a cup of coffee - does coffee go with watermelon?? Not in my book but to each his own I guess! She also had her usual water, plastic knife and fork and paper. Did I talk to her?? No, alas there was no time and I'm a little apprehensive about approaching to some one who can actually get a plastic knife through a watermelon! It's a pretty clean cut too!! Stay tuned for the next sighting....

Watermelon Watch

2006-05-16T18:41:00.000-04:00

My daily commute takes me past a few different Starbucks. Hardly unusual as there seems to be a Starbucks on every corner these days. Yesterday, while walking past one of the many on my route I happened to glance in the window and amongst all the yuppies drinking their venti, soy, double shot lattes was a woman eating an ENTIRE watermelon. Not just a slice, not a fruit salad but an ENTIRE watermelon. My first thought was how the hell do you cut a watermelon with a plastic knife - those fvckers don't cut through shit! My second thought was that no one else seemed to think that this was strange. Not another person was giving her a second look. Is this some kind of new fad diet? You eat an entire watermelon and nothing else. So today as I'm trudging through the rain I come to the same Starbucks and there she is. The Watermelon Lady. Sitting there, reading her paper eating an ENTIRE watermelon as if it was no more unusual than having a muffin with her coffee. I know it's hard to see in this picture because it was taken in the rain through a window but this woman has absolutely NO Starbucks products at her table. Just water, a giant watermelon and plastic utensils. Of course again I was the only one who seemed to notice this! WTF?? So now I'm offically on watermelon watch! I will be checking to see if the Watermelon Lady makes another appearance. Next time I just might have to go in there and ask her about it.

Subway Water...

2006-05-16T09:01:00.000-04:00

Ew! This just happened to me on the way to work today so I thought it'd be a good time to discuss subway water.

Subway water is the water that leaks down from the streets and drips (or in some cases, pours) into the subway stations. I can only imagine what is in this water: urine, feces, disease, oil, and just plain nastiness! On very rainy days in NYC (such as today), one has to be on their guard against subway water. I've gotten drips of it on my head, on nice jackets where it left a rust colored drip, and yes, even in my eye! Oh, the horror!

Today I got a drip right on top of my head. I felt it wiggle down my part and cross over to my forehead. I immediately began slapping it away (and thus, beating myself in the head) in disgust.

Some guy walked by and said, "Subway water?"

"You know it," I replied.

"At least it ain't bird sh!t," he offered.

How gross!

Happy Fvcking Tuesday!

Thief!!

2006-05-09T22:40:00.000-04:00

For those of you wno have never experienced Grand Central Terminal during rush hour, let me paint you a picture. In order to get to the subways you have to swipe your Metrocard through the turnstile - Metrocards are the only method of payment accepted. Sounds easy right? Not nearly. First of all the entrance I go through (yes I'm there are others that I could go to but I'm lazy and this is the closest) is one of the busiest there is. Hundreds of people are trying to get through about 12 turnstiles. People pile up and people get really angry when you hold up the line. You see, the metrocard doesn't always work as smoothly as it should. Sometimes you get error messages like "Please Swipe Again" or "Please Swipe Again at this Turnstile" or the dreaded "Insufficent Fare". Really this could be one of the most stressful parts of my day. You shuffle towards the turnstile, metrocard in hand poised to swipe as quickly as possible lest you be the fool that fumbles for your card holding up the line and drawing the ire of your fellow passengers. When you are unfortunate enough to be this person, well let's just say it's not pretty. This is the one time when you will truly see the NY attitudes come out.
So now on to the "Thief" portion of my blog. There are a couple of different types of metrocards - you have the weekly or monthly unlimited cards which are exactly as that - unlimited rides for that period. However, you have to wait 18 minutes in between uses. This is so there is no sharing of the card. The other type is pay as you go - $2 for each ride. *God this is a long blog - hope you guys are sitll reading* So anyway the other night I was waiting to go through the turnstile. There were two people ahead of me a man, then a woman and then me. The guy swiped his card and I saw one of those dreaded error messages flash but the women ahead of me wasn't paying close attention and was doing her part to keep up with the flow and she just swiped her card - an unlimted card! So the guy actually went through on HER card! He KNEW what happened! He turned around gave her an "Oh well" look and said thanks for the ride and took off! I know it's ONLY $2 but this woman now had to either wait 18 minutes or go and buy a $2 single ride card so she could get on the subway. I felt so bad for her. If that asshole had had any amount of decency he would have given her HIS metrocard to swipe but not this fvcker! He took his free ride and took off! The woman yelled "Fvcking thief!" and went to go and purchase her single ride card. I couldn't get a picture of the guy - it all happened too quickly so here's a picture of the metrocard screen - it says "GO" the message you get from using an unlimited ride card.

Blogger Needs to be Bitch Slapped!

2006-05-09T12:31:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one having problems??? It takes forever to load up a picture and then it tells me that it can't do it at this time! I have stories to tell! New Yorkers to bitch slap! I can't tell my stories without the pictures! So for now, I'm bitch slapping Blogger and I'll try again later!

Pookie

Gesundheit!

2006-05-05T15:23:00.000-04:00

Everyone around has been sneezing and coughing like crazy since we've had some nice weather here in NYC. Today I saw a notice that the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene (um....what????...shouldn't it be The Department of Hygiene and Mental Health? Do they even go together? It's like the Alchohol, Tobacco, and Firearms people...I don't get the correlation except that when you mix them, there's bound to be trouble!) announced on Friday that allergy and asthma symptoms among New Yorkers has doubled in the past week. Sweet!

That being said, I thought I'd take this time to publicly
b!tch slap loud sneezers. I have good friends who are loud sneezers and I've let a few go that were none too quiet. However, this week I've heard all sorts of sounds: "Heeeee choooooo!", "Arrrrrufffffffff", and the loud holder inner: "Herugmph!". I think it's really rude when people sneeze so loud. Especially in the morning. It frightens me and when I get scared, people DIE! Just kidding. You know they're doing it for attention. "Oh, God bless you!" they hope we say.

Nope. "Jesus Christ! Do you have to sneeze so loudly?", is what I say.

It's been quiet on the streets (are people starting to learn???) but we've got our eyes peeled. Of course Pookie and I are hitting the town tonight, so I'm sure we'll find some vicitms!

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone! Have a margarita (or two) for BOTS!

The Sniffer

2006-05-04T17:02:00.000-04:00

I am useless in the morning until I've had a cup of coffe - it's an absolute necessity. I'm usually prettty dazed and not at all in this world until I've had my coffee. So, as I was waiting on line today for my coffee at my usual place, spacing out as usual until it was my turn to fork over an obscene amount of $$ of for that shit when all the sudden I heard a sniffing noise. So now I start thinking to myself - do I smell? Is some one sniffing me?? I mean I showered so it couldn't possibly be me. Then I hear it again and I notice that the perverted old man in front of me is sniffing this blonde girl's hair! So first things first, I whip out my camera phone and try to catch him in the act..BUT the girl turned around! I definitely couldn't grab a pic then but the conversation that ensued is priceless!
Blonde Girl: Are you SNIFFING my hair?!?
Perverted Old Man: Ummm yes.
Blonde Girl: Well it's disgusting stop it!
Perverted Old Man: But it smells good.
Blonde Girl: Yes I know but stop sniffing my hair!
Perverted Old Man: Jeezz missy, it's not like I was touching you!
Blond Girl: Fvck off!

Me - I'm just giggling and waiting for the perfect time to take my picture! And then it came she turned around and I snapped this picture! Right after that he leaned in for one last, albeit quieter, sniff! You knew he wouldn't be able to resist!

BOTS Hearts Immigrants...

2006-05-01T15:12:00.000-04:00

We do! Hey man, Carlos wasn't there to toast my bagel, Juan wasn't there to serve me my coffee and my fruit cart dude (I never got his name) wasn't out today either!

It's striking me that this may sound derogatory, but, fvck it. I'm all for the American dream and if that's what these people want, let them work for it. At least they have jobs!

I do see the other side of this issue. Some other group of legal immigrants is complaining because they did things by the book and deserved citizenship. I guess if I did all that, I'd be pissed if suddenly something that was difficult to get was just handed out. I also believe that people should learn some American (you know we don't speak English) and should know American history, learn information how the government and judicial systems work and all that. Some people I work with are debating saying, "Do you see the footage of people turning the American flag upside down??? That's not right!" OK, that is kind of fvcked up. You do want to be part of this country, don't you? But, when Carlos comes in tomorrow to make me my bagel, I'm going to say, "Thanks Carlos. I missed you yesterday!"

Have you thanked your Carlos today?

p.s. If this rally in Union Square affects my commute home, I'll do some deporting of my own!

Happy (yeah, right) Monday!

What the Fvck is This?

2006-04-28T16:09:00.000-04:00

I have no idea what this is all about. Some one has spraypainted 666 all over the sidewalks of midtown in the pattern that you see to the right. It's only been there for the past couple of days - well that I've noticed anyway. Maybe the devil is about to come and bestow his wraith upon all the godless NYC sinners, in which case I'm totally taking cover in the closest bar - if I'm going down I'm going down drunk! Of course it could also be a promotion of some random band that will soon be playing here. Is there a new movie coming out about devil? Or maybe it's just something that I'm not cool enough to be aware of but I every time I see it I think to myself..what the fvck is that? Do you guys have any ideas? I'm clueless.

Be Sure BOTS Will Find You Out...

2006-04-28T09:34:00.000-04:00

The original sign said "Be Sure Your Sin Will Find You Out" but I like my version better. This crazy fvcker was literally screaming on the corner, "Repent! Repent!" I'm thinking I might go to the corner and ask this guy to change his sign and work for us.

Happy Friday!!!

The Flicker...

2006-04-27T11:28:00.000-04:00

This morning I had to be in work early for our weekly staff update meeting...you may remember, this is the worst meeting EVER and I was not looking forward to it. Subways are normally pretty quiet in the morning and they are especially quiet early in the morning. Generally, everyone respects this and you could probably hear a pin drop on the train!

This a$$hat, however, did not follow protocol. He spent the entire 20 minute ride turning his newspaper pages and then flicking them to keep them straight so he could read. The first few times I just glared at him. After about 10 minutes, I'd had enough. I also saw others glancing at him with annoyed expressions. Being the BOTS that I am, I said, "Excuse me, could you please be a little quieter?" He said, "Me???" Then some lady beside him said, "No one wants to hear you flapping that paper around and you keep hitting me with it." I nodded in agreement.

He mumbled a half-a$$ed apology and then tried to stop doing it. He only lasted a few pages and then he'd do it again. I ignored him. My stop was coming up so I stood by the train doors. Suddenly, this guy said, "I can't help it!". I looked down at him and he was looking all nervous and looking around the train.

That made me laugh and I got off at my stop.

Happy almost Friday!

Don't be a D!ck!

2006-04-25T08:44:00.000-04:00

It took me few days to get this post up due to technical difficulties. One day last week I was meeting a friend for lunch and as I'm waiting for her on the street corner I see woman trying to hail a cab. It took her a few minutes but she was finally able to get one. Anyone who has ever tried to hail a cab in NYC knows what a process this can be. Of course the cab was half a block away when it started making its way towards her. Suddenly this guy is standing a few feet away from her trying to hail a cab too. So, the cab that was coming to pick up the woman overshoots her a little bit and winds up closer to they guy. And what, you are wondering, does this gentleman do??? Well of course the fvcker tries to take the cab for himself!! The woman walks up to him, puts her bag down looked down at the guy (cause she was taller! :) ) and says that's my cab. He replies "Well it came directly to me! So I'm taking it." She gave him such a death look that even I was scared a litte and said "Don't be d!ck. For once in your life don't be a d!ck and do the right thing. You know that cab was mine." And no comes the part that almost made me fall on the sidewalk - he gave up his fight for the cab! I don't know if it was actually his conscience that got to him or if he was just scared of her but either way she got him to do the right thing! A great moment in BOTS history!

Heaven in a Wrapper...

2006-04-21T09:33:00.000-04:00

Ahhhh....

Last night I went to dinner with friends and we had a liiiiiitle too much wine (like, 6 bottles for 8 people). Today, I'm feeling....well....let's just say fuzzy.

My hangover cure? A bacon, egg and cheese biscuit and a large Coke from the Golden Arches.

Heaven in a wrapper, my friends. I plan to follow it up with a lovely french pressed coffee from a shop across the street. Then, I'll be a dynamo at work all day (well, for at least an hour or so anyway)!

Happy Friday!

You Must Have a Small D!ck...

2006-04-20T14:12:00.000-04:00

The guy at the counter you see here was in the sandwich place I went to get lunch today. He started by saying that he wanted focaccia bread. The sandwich guy went to get it, but apparently grabbed the wrong type of bread. "NO!", this guy said, "Not THAT one. It's in the bottom left bin." You can see these bins to the left of this jerk.

The guy behind the counter went to the right of the bins and pointed. "I SAID left!" I guess the counter guy didn't understand because he pointed to the bottom right. "LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! Do you even speak English?", the a-hole asked. Then the counter guy started pointing at each bin of bread. "Jesus Christ! There's only ONE left, my friend! It's not too hard to figure out!"

At this point, another guy behind the counter stepped in to help the confused worker. He reached in the bottom left bin and got this d!ck his bread. "BRAVO!", D!ck cried and then he started clapping really slowly. "Hey everyone! Someone in here speaks English and understands what words mean!" Nobody said anything, but my inner BOTS was boiling. I kept my mouth shut and instead took his picture, thinking happily of the nasty post I'd put up about him.

He got his sandwich (I hope the guys spit in it or dropped some of it on the floor first) and then went to pay. I had finished paying by this time and was grabbing some salt, pepper, and napkins. Suddenly, up he comes behind me and reaches RIGHT ACROSS ME to grab a straw. "EXCUSE me!", he barked. As if I was in his way! I was there first, mother fvcker!

I can only take so much, you know? I turned to him and said (in a sugary sweet voice), "You must have a small d!ck." He said, "What the fvck did you just say?" PING! Hairs on the back of my neck started to tingle. "Well why else would you feel the need to abuse random people?" I asked and started for the door. "Fvck you, you stupid b!tch!" he yelled after me. "Takes one to know one a$$hole!", I screamed from the sidewalk. I'm still seething!

This was not a satisfying moment for me, dear BOTS readers. He pissed me off so badly! If I'd had a weapon, I probably would have used it. This man needs a good old fashioned beat down! I can't stand people who think they have the right to demean everyone. What a pompous fvck! I'll bet his d!ck is teeny and that his wife beats him at home. I hope so, anyway, because karma is waiting to take this sucker out!

Is it Friday yet?

WARNING: This Is An Offensive Post

2006-04-19T10:51:00.000-04:00

OK, this is beyond my normal posts, and I fully admit that it's tasteless and offensive. I asked Pookie if I should post it and she said, "I think I've heard that before in a joke....and yes, it's offensive, but fvck it!" Actually, the picture may offend people more after they read this, but hey, this is our blog. And, this is simply a true accounting of something that happened to me.

If tasteless, offensive (and potentially racist?) posts offend you....GO NO FURTHER!

This happened to me yesterday and I am still laughing about it. My friend and I went to the local grocery store yesterday evening and as we walked in the door, this kid (maybe about 14 years old) came out of nowhere and walked in with us saying, "Hi! You guys are my friends?" He had some kind of accent and appeared to be Asian...I think Chinese, but I'm not sure. Side note, the store is a Korean grocery store, so he could have been Korean and maybe related to the store owners, but who the fvck knows.

It was clear to me that he was mentally incapacited in some way.

He followed us all over the store as we shopped for some dinner ingredients rambling on and asking tons of questions. "Do you like bananas? Why? Do you know what time this store closes? Who is the manager? I like bananas! Do you have a permit? Why?"

My friend was like, "This kid is killing me!" and said, "OK. Nice to meet you but we need to shop now." The kid wasn't getting the hint.

I felt a little sorry for him because he was unkempt and had boogers on his face, but he obviously was just looking for someone to talk to. I kept up answering his questions and we finished our shopping. He stayed with us the entire time. "I have pennies at home! Do you like pennies?" he asked as we checked out. As we left, he said, "Where you going? Can I come? Are you my friends?"

I told him that we were going home and that he should go home too. He followed us a few steps, but then turned around and ran back into the store.

We got back to my place and had dinner. Then, I overheard my friend on the phone. He said, "Yeah, I was like, OK Sum Ting Wong, leave us alone!"

He got off the phone and I said, "You know that kid's name?"

He said, "Yeah, it's Sum Ting Wong."

I was a little slow myself yesterday and said, "Did he tell you that?"

He said, "No, it was just obvious."

About 20 minutes later, it hit me. And I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. He must have gotten that from some old joke, but it cracked me up.

Happy Humping Day!
B!tch on the Street: Language Barrier

My Little Pony...

2006-04-17T16:09:00.000-04:00

Here's a public service announcement from BOTS. If wearing 4 inch heels makes you clomp around like a horse, don't wear them.

I am a heel girl myself, but the girl in this picture could not walk properly in her heels (it's a bad picture, but she was on the move and it was hard to grab the full shot of what a tool she looked like). She walked like some horsey giraffe clomping across the street. People! You have to learn how to walk the walk if you want to look good!

Happy Monday ya'll!

P.S. In honor of Jesus' resurrection, we give you Peeps. Easter used to equal Jesus. Now, it equals Peeps!
http://peepresearch.org

B!tches We Hate...

2006-04-13T13:06:00.000-04:00

David Blaine

OMG....what a loser. I don't understand the point of these spectacles, but he's at it again. See attached story from 1010 WINS news (did you know that if you give them 22 minutes, they'll give you the world?).

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/P/PEOPLE_DAVID_BLAINE?SITE=1010WINS&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Hey, David, we don't give a fvck if you can stand on a stool for days or stay in a box not eating. Some of your tricks are cool, but what are you trying to prove?

Get a life and stop causing traffic issues.

BOTS wishes everyone a happy holiday. Enjoy the long weekend!!!

No need to be embarrassed

2006-04-12T23:11:00.000-04:00

This gentleman was sitting across from during my commute. He was reading the paper but seemed to be having a difficult time holding it. He kept shifting it around. Pages kept falling. He was making a lot of noise and of course anything that interrupts my peaceful commute is going to grab my attention. I kept thinking to myself has this man not learned how to fold a paper so that it's easier to read?? And then I caught a glimpes of a magazine behind the paper! Well now this started making a little more sense - he must have porno mag under there that he doesn't want anyone to see! What a pig reading crap like that in public! But then he finally gave up his fight with the paper...he laid the paper down on his lap and had the magazine open in plain view...what was he hiding?? I can't say for certain which one but it was definitely, without a doubt some celeb rag! I couldn't help it, I laughed out loud! The guy looked gave me a sheepish grin and shrugged his shoulders! No need to be embarassed dude we ALL read that shit! I almost told him to go checkout Dlisted but that was going to require a conversation that would cut into my peaceful commute so I just went back to reading my book.

What the Fvck Is This?

2006-04-12T10:36:00.000-04:00

We've been thinking of adding a new segment to BOTS (really, it'll fill all our downtime when we're not b!tchslapping people) called "What the Fvck Is This?". We'll post pictures of the crazy sh!t we see and then you tell us what you think it is...

This one is kind of obvious, but still, when I saw it I was like, "What the fvck??!!" What kind of mannequin is this??? It looks like a former blow-up doll with hard nips and an open mouth!

Ew....

Hometown Hero...

2006-04-06T10:54:00.000-04:00

Rudy Guiliani

For the past few months, Pookie and I have been saying, "Rudy needs to be a Hometown Hero", but we never got around to posting it. Today, he's all over the news for making statements against "the 20th hijacker", Zacarias Moussaoui. Rudy feels that Zac should die by lethal injection. I don't know if I agree with that (I often feel that people should suffer far worse fates than death, but that isn't for me to decide), but I felt that now was as good a time as any to post on Rudy.

Rudy was the mayor of NYC during our youth--following in the pathetic steps of David Dinkins. Pookie and I have both shaken his hand on separate occasions (during a parade and then once, randomly, on an elevator!) and we both fell in love. We're not Republicans OR Democrats and we're not promoting any political agenda here. He's just a charming man!

There's no denying that he's had a positive effect on NYC. I have said in the past that NYC is very different since Rudy came on board. Times Square USED to be the best place to go to score some weed (or, really, whatever the hell you wanted)...now it's the best place to take kids for all of the family oriented stores! You could also walk down the street doing, basically, whatever the hell you wanted and no one cared. Not so anymore, since Rudy's "Quality of Life" crackdown.

This legal eagle was born and raised in Brooklyn, became DA, and busted Wall Street tycoons, mobsters, and really cleaned this city up (I defy you to find graphitti on the inside of any subway car...and no, the scratches in the glass don't count!). Although I loved how gritty this city could be, Rudy really made growing up here for me better than any other generation had it (including my older siblings!).

Today I read that when President Bush visited the site of the Twin Towers in 2001 and asked what he could do for Giuliani, Rudy replied, "If you catch this guy, Bin Laden, I would like to be the one to execute him." RIGHT ON, RUDY! That's why you're a hometown hero!

Sniffles McGhee...

2006-04-05T11:37:00.000-04:00

Today I rode the train with a sniffler. You know the ones...sniffling all over the place, but not blowing their noses. Now, I've been in a situation where I really needed a tissue, but didn't have one. I would have been GRATEFUL if someone had offered me one...

Remembering that, I very kindly said, "Sir, would you like a tissue?"

He said, "No, I'm good."

But the sniffling kept up.

I again offered, "Really, I have a clean pack of Kleenex right here."

"Nah," he said.

You may recall from past posts that I gag easily. Well, the next thing Sniffles did made me gag. Instead of taking a Kleenex and doing the right thing, he sucked his snot in really hard like he was working up a loogie. I just gagged while typing this. I did not hide my disgust (how could I? I literally had to cover my mouth and gag!) and he said, "Oh, my bad. That was nasty."

I nodded at him and then stood up to go to the other end of the car.

People! When someone offers your snotty a$$ a tissue, take it!

I'm going to go barf now.

It Used to be Me...

2006-04-04T15:28:00.000-04:00

And Pookie who went on class trips through the city as children and annoyed everyone else (remember Lincoln Center in 7th grade Pook?). Now, we get inundated by these little fvckers.

Here you see a line of kids blocking my way at lunch today. I need to get some spring shoes (since it was 70 degrees on Sunday...but 41 degrees today...WTF???) so I decided to run out shopping (yes Marcia, that is Saks...and the sandal selection is INSANE!). Everywhere I turned was a class trip. I feel like I'm always the schmuck that meets up with these groups on some corner, waiting to cross, and somehow, I get to be one of the gang! There's no way out of a gaggle of kids looking anywhere but right in front of them!

Some of these little rats are well behaved, but most are just out of control! My personal favorites involve the kids that are like 6 years old and have only 2 or 3 adults along for the ride.

You couldn't pay me enough to chaperone this sh!t. That's a lie...you could totally pay me to do it.

Not much else going on out on the streets, but we're looking....keep checking back!

I'm Not Trying to Bite Off of Anyone....

2006-04-01T18:20:00.000-05:00

I know there's a site showing blurbs that people overhear in NY, but I heard this this morning and had to post. It made me think of Rat Chicken. Does anyone remember Rat Chicken? "No! Why don't YOU go to hell!"

I went out this morning...well, OK it was after 12, but I had only woken up at 11, so it was still morning to me...and as I waited to cross the street, I saw some guy rolling his food cart along the street and then turning onto a side street. He had a little trouble manuvering around the corner and held up the cars that were behind him trying to turn as well. Some guy in a van right behind him said, "Hey! Fvcking move, a$$hole!" The cart guy stopped dead in his tracks, turned around and said, "No. YOU are the one getting fvcked in the a$$hole!" He had an accent just like Rat Chicken too. I (along with about 10 people on the corner with me) burst out laughing. One kid even said to the van guy, "HA! A$$ fvcker!"

I tell you, it's moments like this that reinforce my love of NYC.

UPDATE: I found the original Rat Chicken clip. Some freak I used to work with always walked around going, "Raaaaat Chicken...why do you wear that maaaask?" It's totally freaky, but cracks me up....Enjoy!
http://www.almostamazing.com/movieratchicken1.htm

That Little Boogery Ba$tard!

2006-03-31T15:51:00.000-05:00

So, as you all know, I was in LA a couple of weeks ago and sat next to some little boogery kid on the flight back to NYC. I mean this kid had slime coming out of his nose like it was a fvcking faucet. I came home and basically, right away, I started feeling a cold coming on. However, this was no normal cold, kiddies. This was full on influenza. I was out of work for almost a week and I still feel sh!tty. What are my plans for this spring like Friday night? A little toke and a little cough medicine with codene. Now, that is the SH!T!

Have a great weekend everyone! Remember, avoid boogery kids at all costs!

Not since I was 8 years old...

2006-03-30T10:20:00.000-05:00

and at the mercy of my older brother have I been subjected to this! The last time this happened to me I at least had my parents I could go screaming to over the outrage, indiginity and injustice! This time I stood there shocked and disgusted not knowing what to do. This guy, the ass in the picture above, FARTED IN MY FACE!! We were riding the escalator and he was in front of me about two steps above me. That basically puts his ass about level with my face. Halfway up I heard a very distinct noise and as I stared in disbelief the smell began to overwhelm me. He didn't even acknowledge what he had done. Didn't try and move away. He just sat in his own stank and I suffered right along with him. What a way to start the day.

The Rat...

2006-03-27T10:09:00.000-05:00

Do other cities have these? There has to be more than one because any time ANY union is protesting ANYthing, they bring out the big, inflatable rat. This rat was protesting a Bank of America using "questionable" workers to clean air ducts. The air duct union wasn't having that, so they got a rat and one lone dude to shout about the "injustice" and hand out fliers. Which no one took. And if they did, they then threw them in the street. Creating more litter.

I wanted to say to the union guy, "Where are all the other union workers?" but I actually felt sorry for him. I mean, it couldn't have been easy to blow that rat up by himself and THEN anchor that ba$tard, stand there in the cold and hand out fliers that nobody wanted.

Oh well...just another day here in NYC.

Happy Monday ya'll!

B!tches We Hate...

2006-03-22T14:05:00.000-05:00

Kristin Cavalleri

This should have been posted sooner, because we've been annoyed by this little b!tch for way too long. However, I just picked up the latest US Weekly and who did I find on the cover? This loser.

Can someone please tell us why this girl is getting so much media attention? Is she talented in any way at all? I know she was on Laguna Beach (which we didn't watch....even we have standards...) but so what? There are tons of high schoolers on reality TV, so what makes this bimbette so special?

I really don't know anything about her at all except she's short and apparently, she's a back stabber (I read that she wasn't a "friend" to anyone on that sorry show). I also know she wears too much make-up and that her 15 minutes are going to expire any second if she doesn't come up with SOME kind of talent.

Sorry Kristen. We know you're young and you're just trying to get yours, but, you annoy us. Therefore, you are a b!tch we hate!

LAX: Hell on Earth

2006-03-22T09:03:00.000-05:00

Last week, I was out in Los Angeles for work. Now, being: a) a seasoned traveler and b) from NYC, I believe that I should be able to handle any airport. I've been in airports with one runway. I've survived body searches at JFK in NY. I've found my way in airports in countries where I don't speak the language and they don't give a rat's a$$ about English. I've even been through LAX countless times. But last week was a different experience.

What you see here in the top picture is the line to get INTO the airport (it started outside and I got in line behind approximately 1 trillion people). Once you got in the airport, you are then corraled (kind of like at amusement parks) on a line to get to security (that's the second shot). What a fvcking disaster! I am also one of those people who, because of point a listed above, only arrive at the airport AT MOST an hour and a half prior to my departure time. Needless to say, I was cutting it close. I tried to tell some of the Nazi's, um, wait, I mean, airline attendants, that I had a flight to catch. They said they'd only allow people with 15 minutes until departure to cut the line. I had 20 minutes. B!tches!

Well, long story short, let me detail some of the people I met on line. There was Chumley, a preppy looking guy in his late 20's or so. He said, "So, some line, huh? I say if it takes any longer, you and I just cut to the chase and start making out right here...he he he." I said, "Back off you pervert."
Then there was Susie Joe. "I just cannot beeeeelieve this line. I am traveling back home to Houston and it's never like this over there. So much for Southern hospitality!" I just gave her death looks until she shut up.

I got to security, stripped off my belt, shoes, and jacket and headed through the detector. I had 10 minutes until take off. I was cleared. Threw on my shoes as I heard, "This is the final boarding call for flight 1685 to New York's John F. Kennedy airport. All passengers should be on the plane at this time." Then, I ran. Just so you know, I do not run. Anywhere. Ever. But, I wanted to go home so bad, that I kicked into high gear and ran.

I made it on the plane, got my sh!tty seat (God forbid my company would bump me up to 1st class and, of course, my miles didn't matter because 1st class was full). Sat down, and spent the next 5 hours sitting beside a snot covered little boy who kept crying and fidgeting while his mom slept.

There's no place like home!

Sorry So Long....

2006-03-21T13:02:00.000-05:00

Remember writing that in notes ("SSL")?

Sorry it's been so long since we posted. I've been away for a week out on the West Coast and then we had a crazy weekend of St. Pat's revelery.

I have pics and posts to put up, but I forgot my phone which is holding said pics. Slight technical difficulty!

Please excuse us.....posts to come tomorrow...I swear!

Happy Spring ya'll! (even though it's fvcking 30 degrees here in NYC today)

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

2006-03-17T11:04:00.000-05:00

Happy St. Paddy's Day beyotches! I just HAD to post this pic of the Hasselhoff because it's just too damn funny! I hope you're all going out tonight to get your drink on because you know that Kat and I will be out painting the town green! XOXOXO - Pookie! :)

WTF??

2006-03-17T09:30:00.000-05:00

I have lived in NYC my entire life. I've seen people having sex in public, people using the streets as their own personal toilet, I've been offered drugs, I've seen people using drugs, I've seen so many transvestites and transexuals that they're now just commonplace, I've been propositioned by men and women, I've seen people get in fights, I even saw the aftermath of a fatal shooting once, I've seen a cowboy in his tighty whities playing his guitar...basically I've seen a lot of things going on in this city and there's not too much left that will shock me but THIS did!

Last night I was taking the train home. I worked late so it was relatively empty and there were plenty of seats to go around. At the stop after mine this young guy gets on. He's well dressed, groomed - basically he had all the charateristics of a sane person. He sat down in the same row of seats as me about two seats over. He was popping his gum loudly so I happend to glance over at the exact moment that he was trying to blow a bubble. Instead of blowing a bubble he accidentally spit the gum on the floor if the train. This of course had me giggling. So this guy turned to look at me, smiled, looked back down at the gum, looked at me, shrugged his shoulders and he picked the gum up and....HE.PUT.IT.BACK.IN.HIS.MOUTH! I am not joking. He took his chewed gum off of the floor of the subway... The floor the that thousands of people a day walk on, the floor that has been peed on, puked on and god knows what else on, the floor that we all KNOW is not cleaned with any regularity..and he put that gum back in his mouth. I was speechless, my mouth was literally hanging open, I couldn't form any words. Don't anyone say anything about a 5 second rule - this was way longer than 5 seconds and it's the floor of the NYC SUBWAY! He looked at me again smiled and continued chewing. I snapped this pic and got off at the next stop. Just when you think you've seen everything...it's part of why I love this city so much though you see something new every day!

ShutupShutupShutthefvckUP!

2006-03-14T22:19:00.000-05:00

Well that's what I should have said to this asshole but this BOTS was tired and on some foreign form of transportation known as a ferry! You see I had to go and visit a friend of mine who had the nerve to move out of NYC. Take the ferry she said, it's so easy! You can walk to my new place from there. Ummm well ok....so I did. I found the ferry, paid a hefty (well it was more than my usual $2 subway ride) fare and settled myself into a seat. I immediately pulled out my book and started reading. Now usually I would also use my ipod to drown out the surronding sounds but being the overworked grunt that I am, I was so tired when I got home last night that I completely forgot to charge it and there was no battery power left. So I'm reading and this completely obnoxious looking guy sits across from me. I took one look at his face and KNEW I was in trouble. He was sitting with a friend of his who was more interested in texting other people than listening to him and I can't say that I blame her. Before the ferry even pulled out some one's cell phone started ringing. And now I hear him saying in a low, sing-songy voice "Telephone, telephone, telephone, some one pick up the phone" After about two rings the phone was answered and yet he continued on.."Telephone, telephone, telephone, some one pick up the phone". I peered over my book at him and gave him my best "shut the fvck up asshole" look. And amzingly it silenced him....for about a minute. Some one in the next row over was talking a little loudly on the phone "Yes honey, I'll be home in time for dinner" The asshole starts, in his same low sing-songy voice "Yes honey, yes honey, yes honey". Now I'm starting to think that I'm the only one who hears him and he's doing it specifically to torture me! It was just the kind of day that I had. Finally his friend starts talking to him.....peace for a few minutes! That is until she goes back to texting....Any snippet of conversation that he picked up on he turned into one of his little songs! One of the kids next to us was talking about kickin' it with his girl...oh come on you know what's coming by now.... "Kickin' it, kickin' it, kickin' it" OMG it was driving me out of my mind. I really thought I was going to lose it right then and there! I thought to myself I am going to spend the night in jail because I have to shove something in this man's mouth to shut him up and really the only choice was my fist!

So I did the responsible thing...I got up to move to another part of the boat. Of course this meant that I would have to stand the rest of the way but really what choice did I have? As I was gathering my stuff, I knew that I had to get a pic of this guy for my post. I tried to be discreet but I was totally caught! And that, my fellow bloggers, is why there is only a picture of his feet!

Junior BOTS

2006-03-14T21:51:00.000-05:00

Not only am I addicted to reading blogs and celebrity gossip but I'm also a total news junkie. I read at least 6 different news sites every day. I came across this article on 1010wins.com today. This picture was take by a 15 yearold girl on the train with her camera phone. Apparently this fvcker exposed himself to her on the train! This gutsy girl kept her wits about her and pulled out her camera phone and snapped his picture to give to police! Can you imagine the look on this asshole's face when he realizes that his dirty, disgusting deed has landed his picture being posted all over the internet?? Really if there were a BOTS award, this girl would be our first recipient!

Quote of the Day...

2006-03-10T09:56:00.000-05:00

"There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures...and the Dutch."--Nigel Powers, from Austin Powers in Goldmember

Happy Friday ya'll!

There's a Sucker Born Every Day...

2006-03-08T10:00:00.000-05:00

Oh, this story is just too good not to share. Usually I get paranoid that work people will somehow find this blog, but this story must be posted. They'll never prove it's me!

Today, we had our weekly staff update meeting...the meeting I dread the most. It's horrible! Everyone gives updates about what has been going on in their world for the past week. It's boring, tedious, you get grilled by the head of our company about why stuff happens...you get the picture. However, today was different. Today was the best staff update meeting EVER. For a little background, the Head Dude (HD) at my smallish financial services company is an older...I'd say in his later 60's...white, conservative man.

At 8:30am sharp the Head Dude started off with saying, "Hey, Mary, I saw your husband last night. Did he tell you?"

Mary: "My husband? No...where did you see him?"

Head Dude: "Right outside of the office yesterday evening. About 5:30. He told me about his wallet being stolen."

This is where I perked up and really started listening.

Mary: "HD, what are you talking about? My husband's wallet wasn't stolen!"

HD: "I'm sure it was him. He came up to me outside the office and said, 'Hi! Remember me! You work with my wife.'"

Mary: "What did he look like?"

HD (oh, I'm giggling while typing this): "Well...um...he was...like you, you know...he was...African American. So when he said that I work with his wife, I said, 'Mary?' and he said, 'Of course!' He told me that his wallet had been lifted and asked me if I had any money that he could borrow and send back to me with you today. I gave him $20."

Mary (now with a look of evil death on her face): "So you are telling me that some 'AFRICAN AMERICAN' man came up to you and asked you for money and you ASSUMED he was MY husband based on THAT????"

Everyone started squirming at this point, but not one other person said a word.

HD (sounding really pissed off now...he's not too friendly): "Mary, are you telling me that I gave $20 to a man that wasn't your husband?"

Mary: "I don't know what you did, but I'm telling you that it wasn't my husband that you spoke to!"

HD: "I don't understand!"

She Lumberg (yeah, of course SHE was there): "Gosh, HD, sounds like you may have been taken."

HD: "Taken?!?! He said he was Mary's husband!"

Mary: "Did HE say that, or did you give him my name first because I'm the only black woman you know?"

A light seemed to go on over HD's head. He turned purple people! Purple! I got that really nervous, butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling as I looked around at all of the shocked/trying not to laugh/too scared to look faces.

HD: "Obviously, there's been a mistake. Let's get started."

After the meeting, we all filed out quietly and went to our respective cells. Immediately, my phone rang and I gossiped with another co-worker about what happened.

HD is actually a really smart guy, but this goes to show...a sucker is born every day...and it helps if he's a stuck-up white guy it seems!

That Curb is Innocent!

2006-03-06T13:43:00.000-05:00

Today I was out and about and noticed this guy in the street. Always thinking of BOTS, I snapped his picture with my trusty camera phone. I wasn't sure what was up, but I figured I should just get his pic and at the very least, make fun of his squatting technique.

First, he had a ruler (old school wooden one...remember those?!) and was measuring the curb at the corner. Then, he started taking pictures of it. I was sort of curious, but honestly didn't really give a sh!t so I just stood at the corner waiting for the light to change so I could cross the street. Some guy said, "Hey, what are you doing?" The dude in this picture said, "I'm collecting evidence so I can sue this city into bankruptcy." (Aren't we bankrupt already or did Bloomberg pay off our debts? I forget...anyway...)

The first guy said, "Why? What happened?"

"I fell on this curb and now I'm taking measurements and pictures to bolster my case" the squatter replied.

That was too much for me to resist. "Did you get hurt?", I inquired. "Yes! Of course I got hurt!", he snottily retorted. "It was just last Friday that this happened!" Now, I feel the need to point out that this guy looked no way impeded. He was bending and moving just fine. "What did you hurt?", the other guy asked.

Do you know what he said?

Guess.....

Go on.....

He said....drumroll please.....

"Why don't you two mind your own fvcking business?"

The other guy said, "Hey, fvck you a$$hole! I hope you fall again!" (Pookie and I need to get cards to hand out to guys like this to ask him to join BOTS...I was really proud of him!)

I said, "Seriously, that was really rude. You aren't even hurt you loser. Get the fvck out of the street so people can pass!"

Ah...New York...city of opportunity and fakers!

Good Morning...Now Shut the Fvck Up!

2006-03-03T08:49:00.000-05:00

To all the people out there who wear headphones, including the IPod headphones....BOTS has something to say, "TURN THAT SH!T DOWN!" DAMN! It's so irritating to get on the train in the morning when no one is speaking (we NYers like quiet mornings too, you know) and to have the only sound come from some loser's headphones.

Today I rode the train with this kid who had that sh!t blasting! All you could hear was his music. It was some crazy sh!t too....like Bette Midler on acid mixed with a little hip hop...not a good combo. Some lady sitting beside the kid finally tapped him and said, "Your music is very loud." The kid said, "What?" "Your music is loud. We can all hear it," the lady replied. Then the kid took out one ear plug and said, "What?" again. Well, you know me....my blood started to boil. I said, "Hey, turn your sh!t down. Nobody wants to hear your music and you're going to go deaf if you keep that up." (When did I turn into my mom?) Others nodded and grumbled but the kid just made a sound like, "phhhhsssss" and put his plug back in. He turned it down slightly, but we could all still hear. I am telling you, the song we all heard was like, "Some say love.....HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA...it is a river...THE RIVER IS ON FIRE...HOLLA ATCHA!" over and over and over again.

Damn hooligans!

Happy Friday ya'll!

Praise Jesus, it's Ash Wednesday!

2006-03-01T13:53:00.000-05:00

You know what that means, don't you? No meat and you can only eat 3 squares today (and every Friday until Easter Sunday). That also means that delis in NYC are rife with Christians looking for tuna sandwiches or slices of pizza.

Now, I'm not really a religious person. Although I was raised Catholic (with 12 years of Catholic education behind me), I haven't been in a church since a wedding in October 2004! But, for some reason, on Ash Wednesday, my Catholic guilt kicks in (hey, I can't fight the programming!). I always debate...do I get ashes? Usually, the answer is no. But, I do try to follow the no meat and no snacking rule (hey, I figure if JC could give his LIFE for me, the least I could do is try not to eat meat!).

So, at lunchtime today, I headed to the much revered and oft visited Pizza Truck. This is one of the best slices to be had in NYC. 2 Italian guys make their own pies with homemade sauce and everything. It's heaven! I know, you're thinking, "Pizza? From a truck?" YES! That's the only mobile food station I'd recommend in NYC (NEVER eat the hot dogs...do you hear me???) It's always crazy at the Pizza Truck, but on Ash Wednesday, it's madness! I hopped on line in the freezing cold (it's about 30 degrees today) to wait for my kosher meal (kosher? I don't know...works for me). As usual, there were a$$holes a-plenty on line. Grumbling, pissing and moaning about how cold it is and couldn't the pizza guys work any faster...you catch my drift. Good Christian's the lot of us....yeah RIGHT!

God Bless Us....every one!

The Walking Reader

2006-02-28T18:51:00.000-05:00

I love reading. I really do. It's one of my favorite past times. I could spend an entire Saturday curled up reading a great book. I've been known to finish a really good book in one sitting. It is an intergral part of my commute. I would never be able to survive my commute without something to read. I understand being at a crucial part and not wanting to put it down but I do when I have to. When my train stops and it is time for me to walk through crowded terminals, I mark my place and I close my book. I DO NOT walk and read. Why do people do this? Do they want people to think that they're more intelligent than most people because simply walking is not enough they must be enlightening themselves while they do it? These assholes inevitably are the ones that walk into me and make me spill my coffee - of course on myself it would never be on the offender! They never look up until a collision is unavoidable! They're a menace to my commute! OK they're just really fvcking annoying and I'm sick of people who have absolutely no consideration for other people. They need to be bitch slapped into stopping!

PS - I did have a photo to go with this post but for some reason I can't upload it - I'll try again later!

Bitches We Hate

2006-02-28T16:18:00.000-05:00

I honestly don't know how Kat and I have gone this long without posting Ashlee Simpson as a Bitch We Hate. She truly is horrible. Just looking at her makes me want to bitch slap her! Apparently we are not the only ones who feel this way. You can go to this website to sign an online petition to her record company to keep her from singing. If you can call what she does singing! From her infamous jig on SNL to her more recent antics at McDonald's this girl does nothing but prove she is the talentless trash I have always thought her to be. Please tell me why people like her? She's proven over and over that she can't actually sing - nobody believes that acid reflux bullshit. I won't start in on her looks (think the picture speaks for itself) but her hair is something else all together - check out Michael K's where he has pics of her sporting her new do. Seriously some one bitch slap her for me!

Hometown Hero

2006-02-27T09:29:00.000-05:00

Billy Joel was born May 9th, 1949 in the Bronx. His family later moved to Long Island where he spent his childhood. Why is he a hometown hero? Not only has he provided us with countless bar classics - who hasn't belted out their own version of Piano Man while swaying drunkenly with friends at least once in their life? Only the Good Die Young? Keepin' the Faith? So many classics! He has also given a lot back to his community (yes, aside from the numerous car crashes over the past few years). He has invited young cancer patients on his boat for an afternoon of crusining around Long Island Sound. Billy has also started the Billy Joel Endowment Fund which provided scholarships and endowments for music education. A great American singer/songwriter who is still rocking the stage at 57 having recently sold out a record breaking 12 shows at Madison Square Garden here in NYC. Oh and I just really love his music and since I write this blog I can pick anyone I want!

What a Numbnut!

2006-02-22T09:14:00.000-05:00

Source: CNN.com

I'm the first to admit, I'm "gun-shy" since September 11, 2001. I don't want anything to do with anyone and trust no one. I still grimace when I see an airplane flying low over the city (which they do all the time--we are in the middle of three major airports).

The Bush administration has faced criticism this week over its decision to let a subsidiary of UAE government-controlled maritime management firm Dubai Ports World run ports in New York and New Jersey; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Baltimore, Maryland; Miami, Florida; and New Orleans, Louisiana.

Critics say the takeover raises security concerns, noting that two of the hijackers in the September 11, 2001, attacks on New York and Washington came from the UAE and that the hijackers drew funds from bank accounts in Dubai, the financial center of the Persian Gulf. Who thinks this is a good idea? Seriously, leave us alone. New York City has taken enough sh!t and I'm sure the other locations aren't thrilled about this either.

Of the facilities to be sold, the port in New York and New Jersey is the largest, handling about 4.5 million container units in 2004 and is among the nation's top 10 in terms of containers handled, according to the American Association of Port Authorities. Awesome! What a great place to store and ship things to kill Americans! Am I paranoid? You betcha! Should I be? That's what they tell me (why else are we always on "high terrorist alert"?)!

"Nothing in this acquisition has anything to do with the responsibility for security in American ports," State Department spokesman Adam Ereli said. "That remains very firmly in the hands of the Department of Homeland Security. What we're talking about is the management of some port operations."

Hey, George, why don't you go live next to one of these ports. You numbnut!

BOTS Hates the Olympics...

2006-02-17T11:23:00.000-05:00

I checked with Pookie, and she hates them too (except gymnastics...but that's her kinky side coming out). Does anyone like this sh!t? Why are we rewarding people for bobsledding better than anyone else. WTF? When some mofo cures cancer, then I'll watch them on TV. Until then....eh.

And, this makes that nasty Valentine's Day picture get off the screen (that's for you Gabs!).

Happy Friday before a 3 day weekend!

Happy Valentine's Day from BOTS!?!?!?!?

2006-02-14T11:37:00.000-05:00

Ew!!!!! I put in "Valentine's Day" as a Google image search, looking for some nice lovey dovey crap to put up. Instead, this sh!t came up. I guess it says, "Happy Valentine's Day!" Maybe it's more "VD", but whatever!

Hope this day brings you lots of love and joy....and b!tch slapping if you're not nice and romantic!

Blizzard of '06...

2006-02-13T11:48:00.000-05:00

Here's a picture I took from my fire escape on Sunday morning. It's the view looking down on the garbage area behind my apartment building. Gross, but pretty! What a storm! I was just recently complaining that we don't get big snow storms in the city and then this one shows up! This snow storm was the best! I LOVE being snowed in! Especially since I had plenty of toilet paper on hand! Also, I ordered Chinese food for delivery yesterday and they STILL made it (on a bike) in about 30 minutes! I love NY!

Ahhh....it looked so clean and crisp. Today, everything has a dirty tint to it, but what can you do?

Loser!

2006-02-09T08:53:00.000-05:00

Last night I went out for dinner and drinks with Pookie, Carmie and some other crazy friends (Wednesday is the new Thursday, you know). As Pook, Carm and I walked to the restaurant, we were stopped at an intersection for a red light. We all noticed this poor woman desperately trying to hail a cab. You can't see it here, but in addition to all of her bags, she had a rolling suitcase.

Right before our eyes, we saw a cab pull over for her. This is nothing short of a miracle because it was rush hour and it was a$$ biting cold out. Suddenly, a man darted across the traffic on the other side of the street and GOT IN HER CAB! We all gasped at what this d!ck had done. Carmie said, "Get your phone! This should go on BOTS!" How right she was!

The woman opened the cab door (as you see here) and said, "This is my cab!" The guy said, "Not anymore!" I said, "That's cold buddy!" and Pookie said, "LOSER!!!" Carmie said, "Nice! What a gentleman!" Of course, he didn't care, the woman shut the door and the cab took off into the night.

It's a shame we didn't get his picture, but we did get his victim. After all of this, we moved across the street leaving her behind. Hey, life is tough here. Unfortunately, it's made all the tougher by a$$holes like that guy!

That's the perfect place for it a$$hole!

2006-02-08T10:16:00.000-05:00

Last night I was heading home and of course I had to wait for a train but that's another post. Anyway, this fvcker comes and has to stand about 8 inches away from so he can get a good spot to get on the train.
He then proceeds to take out a piece of gum and chomp on it obnoxiously. I just take a few steps back and try to ignore the mannerless individual but then he did something that BOTS just couldn't ignore. Really, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut, it wouldn't have been right. He took the gum wrapper and threw it on the train tracks..and then he took an old metro card and threw that down there too...and then a tissue. Yes this asshole was using the tracks as his own personal garbage can. Not that the tracks are pristine clean mind you BUT there was a garbage can not 5 feet behind us! All he would have had to do was turn around and take two steps and he would have been close enough to put the trash where it belongs. So, I said excuse me do you know that there's a garbage can RIGHT behind you? He turns around, still chomping on the gum, chewing like the cow that he is and shrugs his shoulders! Then he pulled out his Ipod so he could tune me out. FVCKER! The train came about 5 seconds later and of course he then turned out to be one of those individuals who feels it's necessary to push their way on to the train and block the doors for those trying to get out in the process. So when I finally made my way on the train and had to push past him because he had planted himself by the door, it gave me great pleasure to step on his foot and accidentally fall into him! The best part is that when he cried out in pain, another woman on the train said "Well if you weren't blocking the door you might not get stepped on!" Oh how I love this city! The pic to the left is of how the train tracks look - it's from this morning so it's a different station but you get the idea.

Sometimes I Doubt Your Commitment to Sparkle Motion...

2006-02-07T09:04:00.000-05:00

That's a quote from one of my favorite movies: "Donnie Darko". I feel that this quote pretty much sums up how my boss reamed me this morning....and it's only 10 minutes past 9:00am!

I walked into work this moring to a barrage of voice mails and e-mails questioning why one of my company's customers was complaining about something. Without going into too much (very boring) detail, one of our customers received an invoice for something and they shouldn't have. Who approved the invoice? Yup...that was me! I don't even remember doing it, but I did. In my own defense, this is something that almost all of our other clients receive an invoice for, so I didn't feel that this one was any different. Apparently, they are.

I had to go to She Lumberg (my boss) to explain, but I really didn't have an explanation. I said, "I was under the impression that they should receive it." Lame, but true.

Instead of She Lumberg saying, "This can't happen again." or "You've really fvcked up this time!", she gave me the old, "Whyyyyyy do you think this happened? Our customers' satisfaction is a direct refleeeeeection of our OWN satisfaction with a job well done. Your commitment to our customers COULD be called into question."

Basically, it happened because I DON'T CARE. Well, I kind of care, but not that much.
Sh!t happens, you know what I'm saying?

I swear, after her little Dr. Phil wannabe statements, I almost vomited on her desk. She's such a cheesemonkey.

Instead I said, "I'll implement new procedures to ensure that this never happens again...for any customer." They seem to really like it when I offer to implement new procedures. It's right up She Lumberg's alley.

Thanks for hearing (reading) my gripe. I rejoice in the fact that someday, I'll be able to
b!tch slap She Lumberg too.

Hometown Hero...

2006-02-06T14:12:00.000-05:00

Al "Grandpa" Lewis

I'm sure you all have read that Grandpa passed away this weekend. There are conflicting reports of Grandpa's birthplace, but we know he was raised in Brooklyn...and that qulaifies him to be a BOTS Hometown Hero.

When Pookie and I were in high school, we took a ride on the Staten Island Ferry and went to Grandpa's Comedy Club...a little sh!thole in Staten Island that Grandpa owned. He was there mingling with the average customers and was a cool guy. We thought he was on his deathbed then! Little did we know that Grandpa would keep on kicking!

Did you know that he holds a doctorate in child psychology from Columbia University, has penned two children's books, produced a kid-oriented home video, and once hosted a series of Saturday morning television shows on WTBS? He has also been a circus performer, a school teacher, and a vaudevillian.

He's a multi-talented man and we will miss him. Say hello to Herman and Lily, Al! You sir, are a (kind of spooky, but totally cool) Hometown Hero!

I Keep on Falling...

2006-02-03T08:58:00.000-05:00

In and out...of love...with you...

Actually, I just keep on falling on my ass...or literally, my knees.

Yesterday evening, I decided to make an "emergency" shopping trip for some "fat jeans". You see, I've done my share of pigging out during the holidays and now, a good amount of my favorite jeans are a liiiiiittle too tight. So, I'm working on that, but in the meantime, I need some jeans that aren't too tight and that are relatively cool. I told myself that I'm not allowed to buy good fat jeans (i.e. $200 fat jeans), only cheapos. So, where do I go? J. Crew. That's right folks: J. Cruel!

You may or may not remember a post that BOTS previously did on J. Crew and the fact that they torture little animals for their fur. I haven't shopped there since then and had reservations about going in there, but it was on my way home! I went to the jeans, picked out a fat pair (how can I be that size????) and paid for them (yes, they cost $78, but trust me, that's cheap in the world of jeans in NYC).

Then, I stepped up two little steps that I needed to go up to get to the exit of the store. I tripped UP the stairs (those who know me won't be surprised at this...I seem to always fall up a set of stairs instead of down), did a weird midget-like walk to try to catch my balance, fell on my knees, and then flat on my stomach. Bags flew everywhere. I was a mess. Immediately I felt that the fur gods were punishing me for shopping at J. Cruel! Why did I buy those jeans???

I happened to fall at the feet of some supermodel looking b!tch. She literally looked down at me (almost curiously), stepped over my bag and kept walking. Not one word escaped her lips. I lay there like the tubby turd I felt like. Then, some dashing man (I think he may have been gay, but damn he was hot!) came and scooped me up! I can't be THAT fat if some dude can just literally pick me up off the floor, right? Right! I thanked him, dusted off, picked up my bags and shot daggers of death with my eyes at the back of that supermodel b!tch's head.

Who would just step over someone who fell???? I'll find her. And I'll b!tch slap her (after I trip her and step over her, that is!).

Happy Friday ya'll!

Who Created This...

2006-01-31T17:09:00.000-05:00

And why do I think it's so funny?

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

Life is slow on the streets kids, but we'll find an offender to b!tch slap soon enough.

In the meantime, enjoy this pointless post.

Question for the Day

2006-01-31T10:33:00.000-05:00

So this morning after I had been at work for a good 45 minutes, talked to a number of people and started my daily tasks, I went to the bathroom. It was then that I discovered that I was wearing my shirt inside out - hey I was still pretty much asleep when I got dressed! I'm wearing a black cotton shirt. So I go into a stall take it off and go to put it back on, however once I have the shirt right side out, I notice that I now have very lovely white deodorant marks in the armpits. I tried the trick of rubbing the material together but it didn't really work - it's slightly less noticable but still totally there. So my question to you is what would you do? Do you put the shirt on inside out again or do you just hope and pray that no one notices the deodorant stains? I opted for the latter - wish me luck!

Classic BOTS story...

2006-01-27T13:55:00.000-05:00

Way before Pookie and I created this blog, we were still B!tches on the Streets. Here's a classic BOTS tale that Des over at Fresh Air Lover made me think of due to a recent post she has on going on a date with an actor.

When I was in high school, I worked part time as a cashier at a small restaurant here in NYC. One day, all of the other girls were making a fuss over some customer that had come in. He got to the front of the line (where I was working the register) and I saw that it was Vito Brata from the 80's hair band, White Lion (I guess this was in about 1991 or something...dating myself here, but what can you do?). All of my co-workers asked Vito for his autograph. When he got to me he said, "I suppose you want an autograph too?" I knew damn well who he was. I loved "When the Children Cry" as much as the next rocker girl. But, I said, "An autograph? Why? Are you famous?" He said (with a big sh!t eating grin on his mug), "Yeah, I'm in a little band you may have heard of called White Lion." "What do you sing?" I asked. "I'm the lead guitarist, but we have a few hits." At this point, my stupid co-workers were like, "Yeah, you know White Lion!!!" and stuff like that. I wasn't about to cowtow to this loser. I MAY have asked for his autograph, but not after that!

I said, "Good for you. That's $15.00 (or whatever amount) please."

Then he left.

I still chuckle over that. What "famous" person says sh!t like that?

Thanks, Des for the memories!

p.s. Vito is the one all the way to the right in this picture.

B!tches We Hate...

2006-01-26T12:25:00.000-05:00

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Oh how we hate her! Ever since we first saw her on "Party of Five", which Pookie and I both loved back in the day, we've hated "Love" (which is what she claims her friends call her). Her goody-two-shoes, nicey-nice look and persona really tick us off. She's not very talented at all. Remember when she got her own spin off show from PO5? It blew. And so does she. She should have married Carson Daly when she had the chance and they could have ended up the most annoying couple ever.

Last season on "Punk'd" they got Jennifer. They had her go in to a fake producer's office and discuss a new role that he felt she would be perfect for. He told her that Brad Pitt had already signed on as the male lead, and that they wanted her for the female lead. She actually believed it! Come on, Love! Like you'll EVER be in a movie with A-listers. Then, the producer told her he had some gambling debts and some thugs showed up. She actually sat there and cried. What a loser!

She also ruined Audrey Hepburn in her lame role playing the starlet. Audrey was rolling over in her grave, I'm sure.

Sorry J-Love, but you are a b!tch we hate.

Word Verification Retard...

2006-01-25T10:14:00.000-05:00

Am I the only idiot who has problems time and again with word verification? I type in what I see but it doesn't come out right.

The verification on Ticketmaster is the worst. I can barely tell what the letters are! Like this one from Yahoo. What the hell does that say???

Just thought I'd share that.

BOTS Around the World

2006-01-24T18:55:00.000-05:00

This Cambodian woman pulled a Bobbitt on her husband after he hit her during an argument. Apparently, her husband came home drunk after a night of drinking and karaoke. An argument ensued and the bastard slapped her! He then tried to go to bed like nothing ever happened! But this bitch wasn't having that shit! She went and got a pair of scissors and tried to cut that shit off! OMG that fcvker must have gotten the shock of his life. Unfortunately doctors were able to save the organ and he escaped with only 25 stitches to his member. Any man who tried to hit this BOTS would be lucky walk away with only stitches!

Bagelshop Brawl!

2006-01-24T09:03:00.000-05:00

This morning I walked into my bagel shop (as I do every day) to find a man yelling at the bagel guy. Here's his picture. As I approached the counter, I could hear that he was saying, "I ordered cream cheese! NOT scallion cream cheese!" I couldn't hear what my bagel guy was saying, but I proceeded on to the counter to place my order. If only I'd know what was to come next.

Apparently, my bagel guy felt that he HAD given the guy the right order and told him so. This guy lost his sh!t. "You piece of sh!t Mexican a$$hole! You are lucky to be serving me bagels!" the nutcase screamed as he leaned over the counter reaching for my bagel guy! I swear, you can see the bagel guy ducking in this shot. I'm really very proud of it! I didn't really know what to do so as I took his picture, I said, "Hey! HEY!" All of a sudden, about 5 guys from the bagel place ran out and tried to restrain the guy. By this time, he was basically crawling up the counter trying to swing at my bagel guy!

Now, this was exciting and all, but I know better than to be in the middle of a full on brawl. This psycho was swinging around and screaming, "Get the fvck off of me!".

So I left.

Now, I'm hungry!

I can't wait to see my bagel guy tomorrow to find out what went down.

Good morning from New York!

UPDATE: 01/25/06: I went in this morning to the shop and saw my guy. "Hey, are you OK? What happened with that guy yesterday?" "No, it's OK", he said. "Well, did the cops come?" I asked. "No, it's OK. Really." he answered. Then the owner came over (he's a little Chinese man...very nice but brisk with his words). "How you today?" he inquired. "I'm good. What happened with that crazy guy from yesterday?" "No crazy. It's OK", he said. "Yeah. It's OK", my bagel guy repeated.

I let it drop after that. Sounds kinda sketchy to me, but what can you do. I guess it's all OK!

Bad Pic...Funny Story

2006-01-19T11:13:00.000-05:00

This picture sucks, but it shows what I witnessed yesterday morning as I left my friend's apartment (he lives right outside of the city which requires me to take a commuter rail (about a 30 minute ride) to get back to NYC and work. The weather here yesterday was like armegeddon crazy. Black clouds were rolling across the otherwise blue sky, winds were whipping everything and everyone around, and sporadically, bursts of rain fell from the ominous sky.

As I walked out the front door of my friend's building, I saw this green thing rolling down the street. I soon realized it was a Christmas tree. Then I saw the tree roll over cars and make its way to the sidewalk. What you see here, if you look very carefully in the middle of the picture, is the tree (green blob) heading straight toward two people. I yelled, "Look out for the tree!", but it was too late. It clobbered both of them.

It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It was a small tree, but it got stuck in one guy's hat, and the other lady's hair. They were both swatting it and spinning around like loons. The tree slapped them silly, and blew on. The two people looked around to see if anyone had seen and there I was. Doubled over on my friend's steps, laughing my a$$ off.

Then my friend came outside and said, "Oh! Thank God you're still here! A tree fell in the tracks. No trains are running! Guess you'll have to stay!" Yippie!!!

So I took a personal day from work.

It was a good day!

Back in NYC now so I'll keep my eyes peeled for future posts!

Shameless Plug

2006-01-17T17:50:00.000-05:00

I know the posting hasn't been as frequent as we all would like but hopefully that gets better in a few weeks when work stops torturing me! However, since Kelly was kind enough to nominate us for Snarkiest Blog please go and vote for us here! It would mean so much to BOTS! It would be like the whole world has finally recognized that what we do is a much needed service in society...That some one recognizes the courage it takes to stand up to these assholes and bitch slap as necessary.....Ok fine it would just be really cool!! I got some bitch slappin' to do...I'll be back later!

XOXOX
Pookie

Because It's Been Too Long Since I Last Posted...

2006-01-17T14:08:00.000-05:00

I had to steal this from Kat over at Kitty Can Scratch. I've been away on a long weekend and am just now recovering. Since I have no incidents to report, I'll do this instead. Sorry if it bores you, but hey, it's my blog!

The 69 E-Mail:
1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:57
2. Diamonds or pearls?Diamonds baby.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?Um....ah....It's been a while...I have no friggin idea to tell the truth.
4. What is your favorite TV show? Degrassi: The Next Generation or My Super Sweet 16
5. What did you have for breakfast? A bagel with cream cheese...what else is new?
6. What is your middle name? In Da
7. What is your favorite food? Italian, Mexican, you name it...
8. What foods do you dislike? Fishy fish. I like nice white flaky fish though.
9. Your favorite Potato chip?I had some crazy jalapeno potato chip the other day that rocked.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?The Six Feet Under soundtrack and Madonna's new CD
11. What kind of car do you drive? None. I live in NYC and can't afford the $475 a month to park a car.
14 Favorite drink? Champagne and wine. I have one or the other almost every day.
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Fiji
16.What color is your bathroom? Pink. Not by choice. I live in an old building.
17. Favorite brand of clothing? There's really no one, but Ann Taylor popped into my head because I can always find work clothes there. James Jeans are the best jeans though.
18.Where would you retire? To my castle in England with Becks or Hawaii. Maui is awesome.
19. Favorite time of day? 5:00pm: when the whistle blows I Fred Flinstone right outta this quarry.
20. There was no question 20.
21. Favorite sport to watch?None. I hate sports. These "pros" get paid too much. Give that money to charity you ba$tards! But, if I have to watch, I choose baseball.
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? Everyone.
23. Person you expect to send it back first? Nobody's sending this sh!t back.
24. What laundry detergent do you use? All...the stainlifter!
25. Coke or Pepsi? Coke. With lime. Real lime, I mean.
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? Total night owl.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 7
28. Do you have pets? No, but I always say I want one. Maybe if I can keep one plant alive, I can get a pet. So far, it's not looking good.
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your friends? I may be going on an unplanned vacation to Asia in a month!
30. What (who) did you want to be when you were little? a BOTS...or a lawyer/actress.
31. Favorite candy bar? 100 Grand. No question.
33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? Camp counselor, cashier, registered representative, fund raiser....I've said too much.
34. Favorite season? Spring, but fall is cool too.
35. Nicknames you've had? B!tch, K, Kat
36. Piercings: Why, yes. Yes I do.
37. Eye color: Green
38. Ever been to Africa? No. And I don't think I'll be going for a while.
39. Ever been toilet papering? Do people really do that?
40. Love someone so much it made you cry? Oh yeah. Buckets.
41. Been in a car accident? Yes.
42. What's a question no one has ever asked you? Will you bake me a birthday cake?
43. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
44. Favorite restaurant? Soooo many. Bolzano's, Arriba, Tao, Calvin's
45. Favorite flower? Freesia
46. Favorite ice cream? Mint Chocolate Chip or Peanut Butter Cup Dream or some crap from Cold Stone Creamery. Whoever thought of putting peanut butter ON ice cream is a genius.
47. Disney or Warner Brothers? The WB baby!
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? McDonald’s.
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? It used to be cream. Now it's dirt.
50. How many times did you fail your driver's test? None.
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Some loser at work.
52. Which store would you choose to max out your Credit Card? Saks
53. What do you do most often when you are bored? TV
54. Bedtime:Usually by 11:00pm
56. Last person you went to dinner with? My lova.
57. Ford or Chevy? Neither. American cars suck.
58. What are you listening to right now? The sound of life being sucked out of everyone I work with.
59. What is your favorite color? Green.
60. Lake, Ocean or River? Ocean.
61. How many tattoos do you have? Two.
62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I guess the chicken. Wasn't she on the ark with the rooster?
63. How many people are you sending this email to? None. People hate this sh!t.
64. Favorite Cocktail? Hmmmm....SoCo Kamakize (sp?)
65. Red or White wine? All of the above.
66. Where would you go for a girls or boys weekend get-away? A spa.
67. What do you want to be? Independently wealthy.
68. Republican or Democrat? Neither.
69. Favorite Family Vacation? The one my sister didn't go on.

B!tch on the Street

The Tree is Here Already?!?!

September 11

Jesus, No Smoking, B!tch, I Heart NY...

Engagement is Weird...

Pole Hogs!

Kat did it..

I'm lazy

B!tches We Hate...

B!tches We Hate...

Yet Another Sucky Job...

Happy Fvcking Halloween B!tches!

Why I love New York

Cell Phone Abusers

Another sucky job

They Say Time Heals All Wounds...

Happy 1st Birthday BOTS...

And you think your job sucks..

Oh No She Didn't...

What the Fvck is This?

Cut that shit bitch!

Woah...

These Seats are Reserved...

Thanks Lindsay Lohan...

Fifth Avenue...

Movie Review: Superman Returns (B!tch Should Have Stayed Away...)

Finally, Someone Let Me Out of My Cage...

Gay or European?

The Return of the Watermelon Lady

The Annoying Fan!

Vacation...

For Everything Else...

***Watermelon Watch 2006***

Fleet Week!

Celebrity Death Match...

Things You Don't See Every Day

***Watermelon Watch 2006***

A Glance at The Lives of Pookie & Kat...

Turn Up your Damn Hearing Aid!

***Watermelon Watch 2006***

Are You Lost?

***Watermelon Watch 2006***

Watermelon Watch

Subway Water...

Thief!!

Blogger Needs to be Bitch Slapped!

Gesundheit!

The Sniffer

BOTS Hearts Immigrants...

What the Fvck is This?

Be Sure BOTS Will Find You Out...

The Flicker...

Don't be a D!ck!

Heaven in a Wrapper...

You Must Have a Small D!ck...

WARNING: This Is An Offensive Post

My Little Pony...

B!tches We Hate...

No need to be embarrassed

What the Fvck Is This?

Hometown Hero...

Sniffles McGhee...

It Used to be Me...

I'm Not Trying to Bite Off of Anyone....

That Little Boogery Ba$tard!

Not since I was 8 years old...

The Rat...

B!tches We Hate...

LAX: Hell on Earth

Sorry So Long....

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

WTF??

ShutupShutupShutthefvckUP!

Junior BOTS

Quote of the Day...

There's a Sucker Born Every Day...

That Curb is Innocent!

Good Morning...Now Shut the Fvck Up!

Praise Jesus, it's Ash Wednesday!

The Walking Reader

Watermelon Watch 2006

Watermelon Watch 2006

Watermelon Watch 2006

Watermelon Watch 2006